Diary 1900-1902

Aut lauseur, aut nihil[[1] 

Be patient and not lazy

My diary

started on January 17, 1900[2] 

Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est [3] (Roger Bacon).

Wednesday, January 17, 1900

 I am starting to write a diary today. I do not know if I will gain much from it, but I only know that I can put down on paper everything that "people are not allowed to say" as Gabryela says. It is very strange that I, having so many acquaintances, do not have a single friend, not a single one to whom I could confide my feelings. My feelings? Whether I have them at all, is still a big question. I have never felt a feeling of friendship for anyone, not for relatives, not for sisters or brother, and I doubt whether my love for my parents is as ideal as poets describe it. All the more so I will not feel love for a man (or so it seems to me) and I do not know whether I should be happy or sad about it. In any case, I would not like to be like those women I see in Łódź. Either mentally and physically ugly, or flirts, or stupid, or foolish, and not a penny of education. Men are constantly busy paying off bills of exchange, installments, factories, mortgages, the younger generation without higher aspirations, but squeezed lemons, unfit for use. Not to be like them is one of the goals of my life, but will I succeed? Will I not be forced to follow in their footsteps in time? It is sad to think that one never perseveres in that (that) resolution!

What did I do today? I was late for the gymnasium this morning, I embarrassed myself a little in front of Ogiewicz, after dinner I read a little and went skating. It seems to me that today's skating will remain in my memory forever. I will never do it to spend 15 kopecks unnecessarily and expose myself to Nolek's laughter. Because what could he think of me, if not that I came to the ice on purpose for him and as if he was waiting that he might not bow to me on purpose. From now on I have decided to go out very rarely, never to go on the ice without skates, except for some unforeseen event.

Today, while reading "From a Psychologist's Journal" by Ochorowicz[4] , I came across the sentence: "Reading too much and thinking too little is sometimes worse than reading little and thinking little." This is very true, because a person who, for example, reads a lot of books of serious content (more or less) and thinks little about what he reads, easily creates false notions; sometimes, however, thinking little about what he has read is salvation, as, for example, about French romances, which have driven more than one young lady to pallor.

The question arises again, whether romances are thought about. It seems to me, from my own conviction, that they are chewed over

Notes:

[1] Probably “Aut Caesar, Aut Nihil” (“Either Empire, or Nothing”). See https://sophieswertsknudsen.com/aut-cesare-aut-nihil/

[2] She turned 16 in November, 1899

[3] Knowledge is Power. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientia_potentia_est

[4] Polish philosopher, psychologist: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_Ochorowicz

Thursday, January 18, 1900

Today I received a book from the association[1] , which this young lady never wanted to give me. This book, entitled "The Taste of Life,"[2] does not contain even 1/10 as many love scenes as any average book. It is only an exquisite characterization and presentation of ordinary life with all its dark sides. How stupidly they arrange it all! They make us believe only in the good sides of life, they almost forcibly close our eyes to the most ordinary manifestations of life, and then each of us complains about her unjust fate, so unlike so many heroines of romance. A very sad thing!

Notes:

[1] Curious about “stowarzyszeniu” – “association”

[2] Smak życia” seems to be a common title; cannot find the book.

Monday, January 22, 1900

Today I spent almost the whole day on the well-known "Loves - Loves Not". I have done the same thing so many times, and I have never been able to check whether these prophecies come true. But also, when I keep repeating the same question, I get different results, and that is why nothing comes of it. Today I sent to Zachman[1]  to borrow a book. I told myself that if the maid does not bring the book I wanted, it means that the same grades are withheld at the censorship[2] . It turned out just as I thought. We'll see if it works.

Every person has it in them to be superstitious, even an educated woman like our "mademoiselle". What's more interesting, it also happens to atheists, like me for example.

Today I looked through my critiques of books I read. In order to convince myself that I have benefited a lot (how much) from my education, I will deliberately read these things, criticize them a second time and compare both critiques.

I have a wonderful content for a novel for the contest: here I will present two brothers, the fate of a father and an uncle. It will be a wonderful psychology of a man who struggles with the feeling of duty and greed (Uncle Leopold[3] ). I just hope it works.

Today Mania Trynberg told me that Tania and Hela are angry with me because of those dances. However, I know people quite well, when I didn't trust Hela too much. I would be fine! Hofmanowa[[4]  says that it is good to have only one friend, and if you do not find one, it is better to have none and not to confide your secrets to anyone. Although it will be difficult for me, I will have to adapt to it.

My relations with my (my) friends are stupid! I live in a tight spot with the Szerówki; they are aristocrats, they count on visits, they know little, they understand little. I can't find anyone like that in high school either, my only last hope is Teresa and Sarna, but I am convinced that they will also disappoint me.

I only wonder what will come of this misunderstanding with Hela and Tania. It is strange that I have the feeling as if my life had also ended as colorlessly as it is now. No friend and not even a suitor – an object that even the ugliest girl in the whole class has.

Notes:

[1] Apparently a maid working for the family

[2] In the online copy of the book previously mentioned, it says
“available for censorship” so curious how this all plays

[3] Her father’s brother.Leopold Baumgarten.

[4] Perhaps https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klementyna_Hoffmanowa

Wednesday, January 24, 1900

Today I read an excellent sentence: Does the task of life end where happiness ends? Unfortunately, every person forgets this.

Today I made a good observation: if a person understands something, even the stupidest, he imagines that he will also understand the wisest. The same thing happens to me. I accidentally characterized one thing and it seems to me that I can criticize everyone. I criticized Orzeszkowa by calling her a stupid woman, but now, having read some of her things for the second time, I do not know how critics pass over such excellent books in silence. Because "In the Provinces"[1]  is also a wonderful psychology of three people, three different types, who are brought to an end so well. But it is always like this, that those whom everyone needs to understand usually remain incomprehensible. Poor Orzeszkowa! To see Sienkiewicz surrounded by glory and fame, while she, 100 times higher, has been forgotten with her works. "Sic transit gloria mundi".

I saw Nolek yesterday, he is in my memory again. A strange feeling!

Notes:

[1] Available in Polish at  https://pl.wikisource.org/wiki/Na_prowincyi_(Orzeszkowa)

Wednesday, January 31, 1900

Today is a terrible (?) day for me! Yesterday I learned that Daddy was summoned before some (?) "заладовательно" (?) because of that factory fire. The scenes yesterday were horrible! That these husbands do not understand or do not want to understand that the real punishment for women is to ask them for money to support the household. I can't understand Dad, who looks at Mom like a thief when she asks for money. He doesn't understand at all why these stupid women get married so early, it's better to spend ten years at university, have dry bread and a room in the attic, but have independence. God willing, right after finishing high school I'm going to a philosophy course. If only I could do better there! I thought that this year I'd have peace with my friends, but no way... I'm not even five or ten with the Herszberg clique, the rest don't really appeal to me, and what will it be! And now we'll have to get down to business with these lessons to outdo Neuman. Oh, that strong will, how necessary it is in a person. When you're poor, but you have a strong will - you're richer than the richest! That's why Feigin is first despite her mediocre abilities, while Sordin (?) - J. Well, that's how you have to get down to it. It's never too late to improve, as Daddy says. I intend to write a dissection of all of Orzeszkowa's works, I'm leaving this work for the summer, but I have to write a novel for the "Libraries of Select Works" competition by July 1. If only I have money, I'll write to Kuryerz (?) about the conditions for a good novel. In the meantime, I already have an emblem: reach where the eye cannot reach.

A lot of lessons tomorrow; I can answer in several subjects, and I gave myself my word that I shouldn't get Cs except for Russian. So until tomorrow, my diary!

Thursday, February 22, 1900

I haven't written anything in my diary for a dozen or so days now. I don't know what could have caused it. Besides, nothing happened that would be worthy of memory, I haven't read much either, I think only "Сб?отлбий луг" by Kotanenko and "Nebula" I think (?). I live quite well with Teresa now, she is usually a nice and intelligent girl, she agrees with me in sentences. Hela Rosenthal and I apologized and I'm going to her birthday party on February 24. The only thing that worries me is that now - I think about Nolek very often. I don't know what could have caused me to dream about him all day, especially after I lie down in bed. Despite this, I don't go for a walk, although the day is really beautiful. As far as I can tell, it will be at Hela's, so I keep seeing the Rosenthals' salon, and Nolek emanating "Franusia" there. I don't know what to call this feeling: love? Impossible, there are weeks, even months, and it doesn't even cross my mind, while in the meantime I only think about him! I wonder what will happen on Saturday!

I had the honor of liking Mietek Warszawski, so much so that he called me pretty in front of Maria (sic!). Of course, it doesn't warm me, but now I live very badly with the Herszberg Clique. I just don't know what happened that Lotka joined them again. That's suspicious.

On Saturday, February 17, I was at Sarna's, I met Breslauer there. I was very out of sorts. I don't know that sometimes in company I look as if I had drunk vinegar, I was like that at Sarna's, and although I knew that at home I would be angry with myself, I couldn't shake it off. I came back at 11 o'clock. I got tickets for the lottery (lottery) from Bres. I had already sold 24 of them.

Now, listening to Jaśniewicz's music, I remembered one fact from our dances, namely, one time I danced a waltz with Nolek. We gave ourselves over to the dance with such passion that I barely came to myself. Two weeks later, when the music played the same waltz, the memory of that moment awoke in me. I was standing not far from him. As soon as he heard that verse, he began to search for someone with his eyes and with a muffled (maybe I imagined it) asked me to dance. I have already forgotten the rest. During the lesson, I thought that the memory of them with all the details would remain in my memory forever, but I was wrong. For this reason, it is salutary to write a diary. 

Tuesday, February 27, 1900

I was sick in the eyes again. I was angry at the whole world, at my eyesight, at the doctors and... at myself. Because how can one have so little willpower that he cannot overcome the desire to read such nonsense as Rodziewiczówna[[1] 's novel: "Between the Mouth and the Edge of the Cup". I knew that I would have sick eyes, and yet I was curious to know whether he had it or not. I can't forgive myself for that so far.

I was not at school comme de raison[2] yesterday. While washing my hands, the following thought came to my mind: those students who answer well when asked are exemplary, while those who often answer without being asked but more often than answering questions put to them are intelligent but! only capable but lazy. Those who never know how to answer without prompting from their classmates are caput. The first are usually of a phlegmatic disposition, the second of a sanguine disposition, the third

Despite frequent walks in beautiful weather, I have never met Nolek, but I also do not think about him at all. Besides, when I'm in a good mood, I don't think much about him, and today I'm especially in an excellent mood. I got a 5 in the Russian exercise. I feel like writing a whole poem for this account, but it would take too long, and besides, I don't have a thesis (?). I even have the first verse of this piece:

Пою [????] двоечки генаию освобонеденну

But I'm afraid that my joy might be too early, because I haven't answered the oral exam yet. Well! But I hope so!

As far as I can see, I'll completely distance myself from the Herszbergs. Yesterday I was walking on Piotrkowska,[3]  and here come Handtwurzel and two more, they bowed after I had already passed, and one of them shouted: "Oh my". Adela gets on my nerves as much as Mela etc. On Saturday 24/II I was at Hela Rosenthal's birthday party. I had a great time, just like at a birthday party. I was supposed to go to Teresa's on Sunday, but because of those herrings I had to stay at home. Today is Bela's birthday again. I don't know what to do. Going means risking losing Straussian waltzes, arguing or at least arguing with Feigin Kassman etc., and on top of that seeing Mom not in a good mood and not having written an exercise. Not going means having hell at home, having written an exercise etc. So absolutely not going. I'll have to stay at home or at most go for a walk. See Nolek (it's not certain yet). In the meantime I have to go to Lachman, write an exercise and read it. Tomorrow morning I'll go [ka?o] to the Association. The only question is whether I will have time. I don't know what will happen with the exercise! I have no idea how to approach it. Maybe Historya Rossyi (History of Russia) will inspire me. God grant that it will come true, urzecze wissni (?). Today I read an excellent sentence: "Man muβ lubun nŭr laffin lubun (?)". I have an excellent idea for a book that I intend to write for a competition. It will be extremely original, namely: a mother opens her daughter's eyes to everything, the daughter feels disgust for life, for people, and above all for men and for getting married. However, she does not have the courage to shoot herself, poison herself or something similar, and not thinking about the fullness of a life filled with happiness, she goes to university. There, of course, she meets a young professor (relatively) and does not know herself what? Where and why she falls in love with him. The feeling is mutual. The young professor is so generous that he mentions his ex-relation to his fiancée. The fiancée, who thinks he is the only person on earth who has the same views as she, returns his ring. Disheartened by medicine, she spends the end of her life with a plaster on a knife surrounded by purls (?), azores, parrots, etc.

Notes:

[1] Polish writer Maria Rodziewiczównej: https://pl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_Rodziewicz%C3%B3wna. Book was subject of costume drama in 1997: https://pl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mi%C4%99dzy_ustami_a_brzegiem_pucharu_(film)

 [2] “as one might expect”

 [3] Main street of Lodz:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piotrkowska_Street