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See notes about this project and the translations on the Diaries home page.
July 11, 1925
Today, right after waking up, he started talking about the fact that I have to reckon with the fact that he will stay in Soloturn forever. I have to arrange my life according to that. I can go away for 10 months a year and be with him for 2 months. That's how he knows how to talk. His flexibility and ability to work creatively have exhausted themselves - he feels it himself and is no longer drawn to Zurich, where he will have to kill himself again. Of course, if they call him up, he will go, but of his own free will, to pack everything up and go - he will not do that. And the decision may not be made until exactly in 2 years! A pleasure!
July 16, 1925
Yesterday I was in Bern after dinner and I was convinced once again that every trip, every contact with people - opens up a wound for me. I regret leaving Berlin with increasing force. If only Julek could hear these dialogues that I have with him in my mind because he persuaded me so much and did not support me so much! I've ruined my life so many times because of him! And now I feel so terribly sick, so terribly sick. The few years of life that I have left to kill myself like this? A quoi bon?
July 17, 1925
Because yesterday's article didn't work out for me, I made a real scene for poor Tr., that I can't work here, etc. He then declared that there was nothing left for me to do, except for me to go to Berlin and come here from time to time. Of course, he was terribly worried, there was a tender scene at night, but somehow it occurred to me that this was the beginning of the end. Everything is just a question of some impossible ambition, or a desire to live - because no one bothers me at work and I could do something peacefully, but here nothing. What is it - I don't know. Maybe I'm generally unproductive and that's all for that. In my mind I reproached myself for not making enough use of the situation here. But today I still feel that something has changed in Tr.'s attitude towards me, he feels that the marital relationship may not last long either. Horrible.
July 18, 1925
Yesterday I was very ashamed of this whole scene. And I thought to myself, what is he to blame for, that I have gone bankrupt in life? And besides, does anyone know what it would be like for me in Berlin now and how I would be struggling financially? At the same time, I reproached myself for not exploiting enough what can be exploited – I am too quiet here, too calm, I do not let anyone get to know me.
And I had another lesson with these articles: since I have been here I have actually written a lot of articles: and how much it is all worth – I do not know, but it neither brought me as much money as it should have, nor did it bring me any of the so-called “fame”. This week I literally “sweated” to write this article for “Deutsches Buch”. Now I have decided, without absolutely having to do it. I have seen how hard it is for me to get it. It is a struggle, to do something like that. Even this good pay does not pay for it.
I took a breath after this duty. I have to free my head for valuable things. Life is short.
July 28, 1925
That disgusting Fridchen was here. I regretted it very much on the day of my arrival that I had incurred some costs because of her and that I had even allowed her to look into my life. When she kissed my hand as we were leaving, I felt sick and somehow for a short period of time I stopped regretting it. Maybe I had the advantage of her that I had lost all my affection for Hugo Simon. I had become completely indifferent to their whole sphere now. In the meantime, “Dudu” was with such a trumpet that I was simply furious and that Fridchen told me something like “Sie müssen ein sekr schweros (?) Leben haben – Ihr Mann ist sekr Kaplizios”. Today his face lit up too, when he heard the news that Fela was coming for a few days he made a noise, he didn't say anything during the whole dinner, and after it and now it's 11 at night, he went to sleep, I'm sitting at my desk. I simply don't know how it will go on - the slightest visit from someone throws him off balance - he would like me to sit with him all the time and of course do whatever he likes: that is, to be his echo, but also his helper. Because I cannot bend to this ideal, there are breakdowns.
My impulsiveness is also partly the cause of this, and I have to learn to constantly grit my teeth and restrain myself: not to give vent to my feelings or joys.
From the old Zurich days, I remember one image: I was once visiting him in his attic room, he was very worried about something - it seems that I was behaving differently towards him - and he went to the window and had the same expression on his face as our father. And then I was very happy that he was a stranger to me, that I would leave the room in a moment and that I had nothing to do with him and that his mood did not concern me at all. And at that moment I had the feeling that I did not have the misfortune that Mom had with her husband. And what now? I am just as unhappy as Mom was.
It is strange how I correctly judged him and the situation then, how right I was to break off the 3-day engagement. I was afraid above all of his resemblance to my father, which ruined all his virtues for me. And it is the same today. What good are all his virtues to me, when I only feel his complete lifelessness, which kills all vitality in me.
Nua, das war ein "Reinfall".
I have done nothing for the last week. There is a great bottomless emptiness inside me.
August 2, 1925
I am walking around with some very good feeling. Not because Tr. Currently [???????] is a bit easier, but apparently for some other reason, which I do not know at the moment. I am writing this down because I want to know what will contribute to this feeling in the near future.
Yesterday I made the decision not to let Rupp into the only "Sekritfleitung". He only compromises us.
August 7, 1925
Rupp writes a pleading letter to save him! - Sic! A good-natured man who does great stupid things.
August 8, 1925
Because of these visits (Fela, Rózia, Blicher) I can't do anything. This Rózia is killing me morally. Why did I take this visit on my shoulders? I should definitely be more selfish and think about myself. I won't achieve anything otherwise.
I see more and more how self-control gives control over other people. - Nur - that means something too!
August 28, 1925
We arrived yesterday, after a 10-day stay at Château-d’Oex, a stopover in Montreux and Lausanne, and a 4-day stay in Geneva for the First General Congress of Children[1] .
This “breaking away” had a certain meaning for me – I somehow made peace with Claparide, but something else happened besides that.
At Château-d’Oex, Tr. made a remark to me about my “loud” speaking at the table. Because I had barely opened my mouth and because he said it with an expression as if something very unpleasant had happened to him, I “got offended.” In fact, I was deeply moved by this note of a man who was somehow superior to me. Since even during Rózia's stay I had heard such remarks from him, whom I had taught to hold a spoon and fork, I locked myself in my room and simply, crying desperately, thought about how to remedy my situation in relation to him, how to get out of it. I came to the conclusion that as long as Mom lives, I cannot separate from him, neither for financial reasons nor for her health. The only thing I can do is to try to become as independent financially as possible, and on the other hand, to exchange that warmer note that I tried to reign between us, and because of which he became "mistress" (?), for one that is more in line with reality - a note of coldness, reserve and withdrawal. In Geneva at the congress I felt perfectly well how badly he felt in my company, in the company of other people. I also felt bad, but somehow I still tried to please him, etc. Yesterday, however, I was convinced once again that this is not the right way to behave with him either. His lack of social skills only results in not taking advantage of the situation, etc. All these little scraps and things had the effect of making me absolutely cold towards him. Nothing connects me with this man, physically or spiritually. According to all the rules, I should have fallen in love with him, if I married without love for him – as Marynia predicted – but it turned out differently. The chasm between us is getting bigger and bigger. The thought of divorce and the huge complications in life associated with it is no longer scary to me – I simply know that it will happen sooner or later. I am suffering greatly spiritually. First of all, I should finish my two books and put this drama somewhere. However, what has resulted from these last two weeks is that such a certain dependent attitude towards him has disappeared. I see that only with spiritual independence I am improving this attitude, although I see that at the same time it is the beginning of the end of my fatal step. How much hatred there is in me for everything related to marriage. I walk around and think about writing (actually rewriting this "Skufrau"), there at least I can hurl thunderbolts against marriage.
And Hilferd, things are getting better and better: he had a good speech in the Reichstag against customs and went to Marseilles for the socialist congress, where, as Adela Schreiber told me, he also had a good speech. He is now bathing in the sun of southern France and is at the center of the movement.
And me? With whom and where?
Notes:
[1] The Premier Congress General de l'Enfant, or the First General Congress on Child Welfare, was held at Geneva, Switzerland, from Aug. 24 to 28, 1925. Among other things, declared June 1 to be International Children’s Day.
August 31, 1925
I am walking around with a very big Katzenjammer after this congress. I came back with practically nothing - I did not use 100 opportunities that I could have had. It occurred to me that it was the same in Munich, Kreŭzlingen. In Munich like that I did not meet anyone new except Bliasberg! And on the other hand I had a quarrel with Herbert! There was a lot to not meet anyone new at the Congress, while I did not know most of the people. In Kreŭzlingen I "saw" Kreczmer for what I am worth, and in Geneva I did not meet a single new person!! I should have spoken about the issue of war and children, who if not me conducted such a survey? Why did I not get to know anyone who could translate my lie and the children into French and English? I did not think about anything practical. And I came with a real fiasco. It hurts me terribly, terribly, not at the wrong time. If only I could change something about the stupidity of my character!
September 3, 1925
Even today after this business, when usually I am automatically in a good mood - I do not have it. Tr. is a bit disconcerted - my bad mood has never lasted so long, or rather such a certain reserve and silence. But it flows from the soul. I am overwhelmed with sadness (?).
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