Diary 1912-1916

Berlin Monday, August 24, 1914

On Saturday I was at the Spanish ambassador's[1] and met Sr. Kaplan there. Strangely enough, he didn't even recognize me. And a year ago he had embalmed me with such zeal. And that man from the embassy didn't recognize me either when I came the second time, although he adored me so much then. You can see that you always have to strike while the iron is hot.

Now there's the issue with Sam. I noticed all too well that he likes me. Well - I think to myself - maybe he does. It's a fact that he would love me without limits, that he would let me do anything. Apart from his kindness, I would always be the one in relation to him who grants grace by my very existence. I would get used to it and love him like any other wise and strong man. So maybe I shouldn't reject it?

But the image of Tramer rises before me and as if he were saying that he has the right to this kind of marriage above all.

Sometimes I am seized by such boundless anger at Kazik. I would simply like to tear him apart. Sometimes the same anger turns against me, against my stupidity! Unforgivable mistake!

Poor Fela is in Kletschkau[2] through no fault of ours, because we could have brought her here. And so it goes on and on. Apparently the old Horo. are in Wrocław! I hope they have the hardest time.[3]

I saw a dog today, with a tricolour ribbon hanging on it, small flags behind the bicycle, men in flip-flops/plates with ribbons, little boys – leaden young ………. and ……. he said yesterday - (………. to show up) if they cut off my head today, my legs would go by themselves! You have to have admiration and respect!

Notes:

[1] Spanish ambassador was Luis Polo de Bernabé. Don't find any "Kaplan".

[2] Apparently a district of Wroclaw. [Interesting that she uses the German name, rather than the Polish Kleczków, even though she doesn't refer to Breslau.] 

[3] Preumably, the old flame Horowitz!

Berlin Monday, August 27, 1914

So the most terrible thing in my personal life has happened: Kazio has married a Fergeuban![1]  Yesterday, Adela, speaking about the Fergeubans, mentioned that Kara had surprised her mother and secretly married a doctor of philosophy – but she caught herself and didn’t say his name. So there is no doubt – the bridges are burned.

It hit me terribly. The impression was so strong that I went numb. I lay there as if dead, I couldn’t move. Everything was spinning around me. I was dazed, broken, unhappy like no one else in the world had ever been.

I thought again about all my mistakes. After all, I see all the faux pas that I had made and which had led to such an end. And the misfortune is not that something terrible happened, but that all the conditions that create this impression exist and can cause new misfortunes.

God, give me a new skin, give me a different way of dealing with people, because I can't cope anymore. I want it and I can't. There's something inside me, some laziness that makes me drop my hands when everything inside me is trembling with the desire for something else. Yesterday it was like that with Dora. I admire her "Trough", her peace, dignity, serenity. You have to buy it even at the cost of blood. You have to remember one thing all the time - you shouldn't have...

What do I do with Samuel when I'm sometimes happy, sometimes sad, it was the same with Kazi and Fajans more than once. This is a dream trough for a formula and not even a short one: always equally happy, good to people and despite this keeping your distance. And then you don't have to remind people of their mistakes - (I told Fajans - stupid, Kazi - that he's a coward). But what good does that do me? These are things of my consciousness - I'll never manage to get out of my disgusting skin. Now, because of the war, the Fergeubans have lost all their wealth. Maybe she will be God's Punishment for him? If he married her, then definitely yes.

Notes:

[1] Lot of names in this entry that may need to be understood form other entries.

Berlin Monday, August 28, [1914][1]

A society called "Verein un Kusersfützejn bedürsfiger Russen (?)" was founde d here, and Dr. Kaku belongs to this unterstützungskomitee. From here I can also look into these matters a little. The committee includes famous Polish, Russian, and German figures[2].

One day I was noting (registering) people who came for support: there were also artists from the "Peterburg Tsar Theatre", there was this ……. tsar's so-called "sobgoznik", who asked not to look at her because she had not eaten for several days, etc. Students - 45 teachers who were doing studienreise, a painter (Weinless), a violinist, a singer Wierjugin. Some, because there was …….. in the premises, asked what kind of money it was. This widow openly asked if it was "еврейские деньги"[3]. For a second I hesitated how to answer her, I would have the satisfaction if I saw the struggle on her face and if hunger had won - I gave up this pleasure and reassured her that the money was: Russian, that we only have the needy here, etc. The wife of an officer who had been locked up in some Militäzauntalt asked again if they were giving money to Christians. I guarantee that if I denied it, she would assure me of her Judeophile ……..ias.

Today I was with Dr. Heimann and Dora according to “Recherches”. We came to see some Mrs. Gorodzieska from Orenburg. She came here sick with cancer for a consultation in Israel. She can’t come back. Her condition is terrible, together with the field nurse who doesn’t know a word of Russian.

At first they gave 5 marks, because there was no money, now more, you can come a few times. It’s strange that those who have already received it once and come a second time are …….., as if they deserved it.

A student who lives on cold cuts and beer for 3 weeks to have money for the trip finally gets appendicitis.

I know, I feel it rather, that Jazu comes every day just for me. I also know that it can be something like that, if only I want it. And I know that despite the fact that he will be a millionaire in the future, nothing will come of our relationship. Another quiet laurel.

I think a lot about Kazi again, but without the pain I had the day before yesterday. The only mistake was leaving Warsaw without taking care of this matter. This kind of relationship had to lead to disaster later. Now, when I think he is lost, I feel terribly sorry for him, when I think that he is free – I have the same feeling of regret and a bit of arrogance towards him again. Sometimes it seems to me that it is impossible, because I was in Warsaw in June and I did not know anything. I miss my friend so much, I still miss him so much!

They give the soldiers flowers here all the time. A few months ago, it was mentioned in the newspapers that the Kazarmas have troughs with flowers in their windows. All those who went to war decorated themselves with flowers, the wounded receive flowers from the empress and the emperor. The latter is a great speaker, by the way: his expressions are [continues..]

Notes:

[1]  For context, this is just in the middle of the Battle of Tannenberg during which the Russian Second Army was destroyed.

[2]Need to have her German words looked at, but clearly referring to some social relief organization. It would appear that she was helping there. See this article for some sense of life in Berlin for enemy foreign nationals. Interesting for Franka seemingly not affected.

 [3] Jewish money".

Tuesday, June 8 [1915] 

Today I received cards from F.[1] from Geneva, of which I can see he liked Madzia very much. This girl is clearly my destiny. After yesterday's "memory" of Kazia, for now I don't care whether F. will be particularly delighted with her or even fall in love with her. For a moment even today I thought to myself that one could live one's life in pain and regret over that lost happiness in Warsaw. I can't imagine the amount of stupidity I had, which was necessary for me to leave then, when Hania asked me to, things were so bad at home. I don't trust myself one bit for such demonstrative mistakes. Because even if the mistakes turned out to my advantage later, the fact of the mistakes shouldn't have existed.

In the afternoon it occurred to me whether in the last few days I had been thinking so much about K. because F. had really been having fun there with Madzia. That would justify this thinking.

Notes:

[1]  Presume to mean Fuchs, but may need prior entries to establish that. Also, next entry implies that Fuchs is around in Berlin. Maybe not "F"?

Saturday, June 26 Saturday [1915]

I was in Steglik[1] yesterday evening. Mehring[[2] , Rozu, Duncker[3]  , Meyer[4]  , Fuchs and two more were there. There were arrests because of this police circular[5] . M. told how at noon two gentlemen "zwei Beamte[6] ] " came to him, as the maid told him, and started asking him who he had sent it to sign, who had edited it, etc. Then they told him to spare them a search and to return on his word of honor that he had no more copies. Mehring returned one copy that was with him (he had been prepared for this visit). Duncker and a few others had the same visits. Apparently, it was the stenographer who published it. She said the name of the printer and the editor. Now the government is expecting more. Stimming was interesting yesterday. In a small garden in a small street, at a table covered with a classic colorful napkin, people were debating over mugs of modest beer who held an opinion opposed to that given to Germany. It was all gentle and calm. Mehring somehow treats his co-workers with fatherly tenderness: he calls Liebknecht[7] "Karleben", Fuchs "Fichslein", etc. He is good-natured, speaks quietly and calmly, and no one would suspect that he is the intellectual leader of the party.

Notes:

[1]  I assume Stieglitz, a neighborhood in southwestern Berlin.

[2]  Franz Mehring, part of left-wing socialist group, splintering from main Social Democratic Party (SPD), along with Rosa Luxemburg and others, and later senior member of the Spartacus League. At this time was a leader of anti-war group called the International Group. Will have to go through more of her diaries to see how connected she was, but this matches her early expression of socialist sympathies.

[3]  Could refer to Käte Duncker or her husband Hermann, but probably former, as “she” is used below.

[4]  Presumably Ernst Meyer, another of this group.

[5]  Maybe an issue of “The International” which was published in April 1915.

[6]  “two officers”

[7]  ]Karl Liebknecth, another prominent member of the group.

Before the evening[1]

This week I have calmed down considerably as regards my reproaches for Kazio. Naturally, now I cannot reproduce all the reasons that prompted me to leave at that time. After all, I wanted to get married in the autumn, I wanted to take a step forward in our relationship with this departure, etc. I was also guided by certain rational considerations. That they did not work out – well, it is difficult, but I did not act stupidly, without thinking – so I cannot reproach myself. The only absolutely stupid, uncalculated thing I did was to invite him to me after everything. So stupid, without dignity, without reasoning, that is why it ended badly. If I had not called him then, but had done such a joint job with Skibniewski and lived in Warsaw, I am convinced that he would have come back to me on his own. After all, he said himself that he wanted to go to Łódź on Sunday. Yes, that was the biggest mistake in this sea of ​​mistakes…

There is a new phase with Fuchs. Actually, there were several of them. The first was my introduction to a famous man who wanted to meet me too. This lasted until the end of my work at the commandant's office. The second phase was the period of living with my uncle. He knew about us, but not much about me in particular, I went on these dates so as not to …….. and not to be at home. At the same time, I was completely independent of him economically. I felt then that he loved me very much, but I accepted everything as a tribute and I was indifferent to it. Phase 3 – my own apartment and his visits to ours. Acquaintance with the kama somehow made him seem familiar to me. Then came economic dependence, which made him somewhat of a master. Since then, not only does he not ask me every now and then, as before, whether I love him, but for months I have not heard this question at all. Nothing has changed in his attitude – he calls every day, we see each other every day, but I feel that I am too familiar to him or maybe that I am basically very dependent on him. At this stage I start to think that he is a good match in his way – despite everything – that if I think about what I would do without him now, my life will be boring, such is the lack of purpose in this life, when I think about this satisfaction with Kazia etc. I wouldn't want to lose him. I am still indifferent to him, but I already feel that our roles may soon change...

And by the way, I feel terribly sorry for Fajans and Kazia. My two Kazias.

I was in Wannsee these days. I already felt so sorry when I looked at those Germans around me that I didn't stay in Paris. The lightness and grace of the French suits my mind better. And my life, even if I hadn't married yet, would have been richer and better. Knowledge of the language, belonging to a nation that suits me in temperament and all façon d'être above, would have spared me a lot of unpleasantness in life with my family here and would have put me in a completely different light. So then, this semester in Krakow was decisive for my life, and in a negative sense. However, I decided to move to Paris in the near future. I would probably spend 2-3 years in Munich, but then - go to Paris, I would like to experience many beautiful years of my maturity there, when I will be able to drink life in full gulps.

Notes:

[1]  Undated. But presumably the same day of June 26.

Tuesday, June 30, 1915

I have been thinking a lot about Fuchs in recent days. There is no doubt in my mind that he has cooled down for me. I am filled with terror at the mere thought that it might happen again… with Kaz. I really don’t know when or how it started, but it is an irrefutable fact. It came completely unexpectedly, without any……….. reason. ………… the reason could have been all those little things about family, etc., that I keep telling him. The less they know about each other, the better it is for the relationship between two people, and I forget about it too often. He was still affectionate after coming from Switzerland, but he is less so now. Although on Sunday he said that it was the most beautiful day after November 18, I have the impression that after that moment has passed, that nice feeling also passes, and all that remains is this change. I know that I should not give in to it, because it can cause an even worse