Diary 1943-1948

See notes about this project and the translations on the Diaries home page. 

15.I.45 [January 15, 1945]

I was at the Rodeks yesterday to have a proper talk in the context of this Shiftung. Will it work? It would be slipping from our little house to a little house in Bern, I would save a lot of searching for an apartment, it would be a crazy simplification of the move, an immediate possibility of developing Traum's activity and its position strengthened among all psychiatrists. But will it work? The inner voice says more against than for, besides I wonder if this won't have its weak points? In any case, goodbye to a comfortable life in Sol. - You will gain a little in another way.

16.I.45 [January 16, 1945]

Roth's arrival has already become a fiasco. The issues of "Berner Auzergei" arrived with her letter and when I read all those advertisements, all those miseries there, I simply felt bad about the poverty prevailing there. And that we will have to move there! But what to do? In view of this financial bankruptcy and my incompetence in life. I should have stood and been different today. After 15 years, still Priv.D…..!

17.I.45 [January 17, 1945]

Yesterday I was in Lucerne with a lecture and I am giving the same one for the fourth time: (Dalsthal, Altem, Solothura). It seems that you liked it. Besides, I don't care so much anymore. The fact is that my health is very bad. I felt so bad during the ride (stress) that I ate almost a franc's worth of chocolates. (Strange thing, chocolate works well for me, while it works badly for Dora Schmidt, for example, and she doesn't eat it). At night I got a terrible cramp in my legs, especially in the right one. This cramp woke me up and scared me a lot, because it happens more and more often and lasts longer and is more and more painful. In general, Tr. and I are starting to be two invalids. I don't know at all how I'm going to carry on, and at the same time there are more and more things that I would like to do. Not soon, Marycho...

Roscher sent me a vertrag for the 2nd edition of the character... I am actually very pleased. It's a pity I didn't take the English translation out of his law. But despite this I have no money at all and I'm struggling - and I can't buy myself a couple of shoes that I really need.

21.I.45 [January 21, 1945]

I was in Bern yesterday on the Tr. course. I managed to make the acquaintance of this Schmidt from Biel – very valuable ……………. from Zurukzogh I also made 2 valuable contracts there: a lecture and a small article for his publishing house.

24.I.45 [January 24, 1945]

Today "Vorwarts" sent me a printed article of mine "Warschau und Lodz". I was extremely pleased. I have the impression that the center of gravity of my abilities lies in the literary field.

24.I.45 [January 24, 1945]

Today "Vorwarts" sent me a printed article of mine "Warschau und Lodz". I was extremely pleased. I have the impression that the center of gravity of my abilities lies in the literary field.

5.II.45 [February 5, 1945]

This Rotht[1]  is painting my portrait. It seems that it will be beautiful. I am very happy about it.

I was at their tea yesterday and I spoke with this Roth about the possibility of such a Stiflingt[2]  for Tr. - How good she is and how willing to help. I felt extremely nice in her company and in general in this circle of people and I was extremely moved by their kindness. During the whole way back I reproached myself for my own badness; especially towards the servants, to whom I am constantly unbearable (I get angry when they work badly). I decided (for the thousandth time by the way) to be different, to overcome myself, etc., to overcome difficulties here too. It does not help much.

I am starting to think seriously about such a "Stifling" for Tr. It would be an ideal solution to the problem. I hope I can make it happen. The difficulties are great, but it must be done, it must be done. It would be a great plus for me too.

Notes:

[1] There is correspondence in the archives with a “Helene Roth”, and there was a Swiss painter by that name, but otherwise don’t know.

 [2] Need to have someone with German look at this word.

12.II.45 [February 12, 1945]

I am very dissatisfied with myself, because I keep making the same mistakes – for example, with the maid who leaves: always the same Zorureaktiere; always the same stinginess in relation to payment (this is probably also …………. that I myself do not get well paid) and the same submission to the opinion

Tr. I have to know for myself which maid suits me somehow and not pay attention to his diagnoses – debilite or not.

I am incorrigible myself and I demand improvement from others, so much lower than me.

Last Friday I was extremely nervous. This Reiwald wrote to me several times, finally he came via Solothum, we met at the Bahnhof. As soon as I saw him, that German blondness of his, that askinistic type, that conventional smile of his, when I saw at once that I had a German before me, who was repulsive to me, as repulsive as Lurawa and Rajche. Of course, in my conversation with him I made a mistake, that I mentioned my stay in Berlin, I was brief, that we had only been together for a short time, his train was leaving; but after that I walked and walked through the rain completely dejected, that I was incapable of forming a lasting, long-term friendship with the people who addressed me. What happened to Ernst, to Weldler, to Denke, who came to me here and tried to win me over? Nothing. True, they were not the people for me – “Mes zweite Garnitur” – but they should have been with the wrong Sp…… with me ………

It is impossible to get down with me today. How to find a good maid?

24.II.45 [February 24, 1945]

Yesterday I had another lecture in Alten with these women. It seems that it was very good. Only now, at the end of my life, have I gained some self-confidence, I have topics in hand and I feel that I can give people something. I have gotten rid of certain "kinderwertykeitgefukle", which were completely right, by the way. It's a pity that all this came so late. Who knows, whether I will have enough strength to sort it out

From the Bernese theatre I received very negative criticism of my thing "Der Han"[1] - despite Frokwein! Tough! Apparently my destiny is science!

Notes:

[1] See below.

7.III.45 [March 7, 1945]

My portrait by this Roth[1]  was finished today. I think it came out beautifully. In any case, I am very pleased with it. 11 sessions of 3-4 hours each! But it paid off! The maid is leaving the day after tomorrow. I would really like to finally have someone who ould be around for a few years and satisfy me. This new little one (from the 15th of this month) may have all these advantages.

Notes:

[1] See above. Have no knowledge of a portrait of her.

14.III.45 [March 14, 1945]

I spoke with this Frokwein by phone today. He notes that "Der Han" is suitable as a "Horspiel" on the Radio and that he will take on this job in May. I hope so. However, I have to write Vasy Hochmann for this - maybe the fork will work this time. It would be really good with this Frokwein. He has a certain family sentiment. I would always give it to Molly.

25.IV.45 [April 25, 1945]

Return from Ascona. There were 4 very sunny weeks and I was generally satisfied that I could finish Pre… and I didn’t suffer as much as I had during my previous stays. Two days before leaving I received a telegram from Madzia. Rafał had died.[1] 

I was and am devastated by this news. Poor, poor Rafał. He somehow didn’t fit into our Baumgarten family. He didn’t like us – he felt bad and uncomfortable among us. We didn’t give him what he was looking for – financial security – he had to fight for a job – for survival. Disappointment with Janka, that he wasn’t a son, his terrible pangs of conscience with regard to his father, whom he couldn’t help; all this ruined his health, and on top of that the matter with Aronowska[2]. He had an unhappy life, in fact Madzia was struggling with it. Will she be able to arrange her life anew! She is still very feminine. And I didn't have that absolute brotherly feeling towards him, Julek was closer to him after all, but I really appreciated his honesty and some kind of righteous character. I could say that I have many things on my conscience towards him, but above all I can't get over the fact that he ended up like that, that he wasn't lucky in life, that he had such a terrible awareness of his fate and maybe also a great resentment towards me - for Janka, for Madzia, for himself. It's unspeakably hard for me. I would like to cry out loud.

Notes:

[1] Her brother-in-law died on March 27, so she left for Ascona on March 29. Doesn’t diary while away.

[2] No idea. Have name checked again?

May 7 [1945]

There is no doubt in my mind that I have some kind of bad reputation among the upper classes and that many people who approach me and want to establish contact – withdraw. This is what happened, for example, with Trudi Weber[1], who wanted to interview me, this is apparently what happened now with this lady from Heinu "Leben" – she was supposed to come, I could not receive her at the time she specified – and now she fell silent. She obtained information in the meantime.

The same can be said about Mme Gelevind. Although they organized a Tugŭung "Fraŭ u. Kemokratii" in Sol. they neither invited me nor even informed me about it. In this way I am alienated from them.

And so on and so forth. I do not know if I am mistaken, but it seems to me that my dear colleagues have taken care of a good reputation for me.

It may be that, being an "outsider" by nature, I don't convince them. Sad.

This matter of moving out of Solothurn scares me to no end. How will it be with such small financial resources? I am unable to earn money and there are no signs of any earnings coming from anywhere. I am often simply crushed by this impossibility of earning money. Books bring nothing. The drama "Der Han[2]" - is not accepted by anyone. Will Frohvein do anything about it? Doubtful, there is no "coup" that could bring me anything. The university is silent, it could have made me a professor a long time ago. And so on and so forth. Nothing, and nothing, works out financially. And at the same time so many worries: Tr.'s health - the existence of Madzia and Janka and Rózia, if the poor one lives so far.

Notes:

[1] A reporter for “Die Nation”.

[2] Not sure; this is not a drama or radio play listed in the Bern archives.

13.V.45 [May 13, 1945]

Last Friday I had a lecture at "Heni... und Geschafthfrauin"[1] in Zurich. I was very afraid, when I was already in the hall, whether I would be able to interest these women (there were 80 of them). It turned out that I was. I seemed to have great success. In any case, I could be satisfied.

But another thing is that despite everything I do not know how to deal with people and my maid, who dismissed me yesterday, complained that I was "dressing her up". Indeed, people demand to be taken care of, to show interest in them, which I do not have for them. Out of 100 people I am really interested in "one".

So I constantly have to give in. I have to put on "armor" when I am with people. Not a mask, but armor, that external side that will protect me from various accusations that I am rough, like to command, etc. The worst thing is that I make reproaches in an inappropriate form. I will learn my lesson again, for I don't know how many times, not to advertise.

Notes:

[1] “? and the Businesswoman"

25.V.45 [May 25, 1945]

I am learning more and more of one thing – restraint. At the same time, I notice that such restraint also affects the ability to think.

I cannot imagine how our future will turn out, or rather what form our life will take. Will we be in Bern? Will I be forced to live in Ascona? To think that a little free money to enter Bern would allow us to overcome the difficulties of moving. And I, this supposedly well-known and respected one, am not able to give Tr. the few thousand that I took from him for my siblings. In general, now the matter is getting complicated with Madzia and Rózia. Both need help. How, in the conditions we will be in, will we be able to help them?

My whole life, for the last 30 years, since 1914, I have been responsible for helping my family. Parents want to be free from supporting their children as soon as possible, they want them to earn money and stand on their own feet as soon as possible, and each of my siblings is always dependent on our help. One way or another. As a result of this or that. What can I do about it? There will definitely be people who will say that they would be happy if they knew they had someone to help, but oh well, with all this joy there is the fact that it is a terrible torment for me.

7.VI.45 [June 7, 1945]

Yesterday I brought myself to go to this Stalder and give him "Democratie s Charakter" for General Eisenhower[1]. I don't know what will come of it - maybe something good. I am completely calm, as if it didn't affect me at all.

It is interesting for me to note that this Stalder was extremely nice to me yesterday, I simply wish Janka could be his wife. And yet this same Stalder made a completely different impression on me when he was with me for the first time. Why? Another proof of how much one depends on subjective feelings in relation to other people.

Notes:

[1] See attached letter (below), a copy of which is inserted in the diary. Written in French. Have not identified this "Stalder." 

7.VI.45 [June 7, 1945]

If Tr. got a job at Schweiner Speude[1], it would look like this:

I write an article about an ear aid[2]

a committee is formed and I meet this Schmied

Schmied gets a job at Olgiati

Olgiati, at his urging, hires Tramer.

So who can ever predict the consequences of something?

[pencil note] Tr. didn't get a job

Notes:

[1] ? pig something? She spouts how absurd things can get.

[2] Because of her hearing problems, she was always on the lookout for new hearing devices

15.VI.45 [June 15, 1945]

I had a lecture in Zurich the day before yesterday in that Wild...stätte. [?] said it was the best lecture of the semester "without offending my husband". How much truth there is in that - I don't know, I wasn't happy.

Nuv

But what really bothers me is the matter with the maid. I had a golden bird in my hand and I let it go. Through my own fault, through my own kind of reaction. Some devil is in me - I don't know what. From almost the very beginning there were small frictions with her, as with others, and these frictions arouse a certain hatred, a desire to act out of spite, disobedience. The worst thing is to make excuses or show dissatisfaction, you can't just hide it. Hide, hide, hide.

Well, now I've been sitting for almost a week without a maid. I can't get anyone. I've even written about …….. although I don't like foreigners in the house. Maybe someone else will show up, but - the fact remains that I let her down. This girl should have supported herself, even though she stole a little, I should have guided her in the right direction. That's what hurts me the most. I failed.

18.VI.45 [June 18, 1945]

Frohwein[1] was at my place yesterday. He read my kürsprel[2] aloud. I have to say that the thing is really good and should actually spread all over the world. First of all in Germany itself. I will try in Geneva.

Notes:

[1] I believe “Erich Frohwin” who appears to have been opera singer.

[1] See May 6 entry; seems something that she has been trying to get others interest in.

3.VII.45 [July 3, 1945]

I have the impression that I conducted negotiations with that servant – the Seamstress – badly. I made many mistakes in conversation and correspondence with her. I do not know how to conduct negotiations diplomatically.

24.VII.45 [July 24, 1945]

I decided to start writing a romance on August 1st. I actually wanted to do it at the end of September in Ascona, but who knows what will happen by then, whether I will have the same comfort of writing as I have this month, and considering that the salary is small, that Tr. is very concerned about our financial situation, I decided to write. It is high time for both this and earning money. I have to put aside my “scientificity” now, I am especially sorry about “Han psychologie” – but it is hard, I cannot allow Tr. to tire himself out.

8.8.45 [August 5, 1945]

I'm looking for an apartment. I can't find one. That Ledermann who sold me a house under my nose - I have the impression that he didn't want to rent it to me, and that Furrer woman, I have the impression, doesn't want to rent it to me either. Maybe the same way that maid from Bern didn't come to me. I don't know if this is a fair remark, in any case it gives me reason to think that there are people who arouse antipathy, that is hatred. They sense the hatred that is in the other.

What will happen to this apartment? I would so like to have a house! That house on Beatusstrasse was so nice! I would feel so good in it! Better than in any other! What will happen to it now!

I read my romance these days - because I want to publish it. I admired how well I wrote in 1918 and how rich my Polish language was then. Now - it's gone, I'm not able to write like that. The trick now will be to finish this romance as soon as possible[1] .

I always thought I would write this romance during some …… ………. stay in Nice etc. In the meantime I will write it maybe during the chaos of moving. However, it is high time to finish this “Faust” of mine (I call it that because I have been poring over it almost my whole life). And new details keep coming to my mind. However, I will not finish this thing so soon.

For now, the point is to finally finish my “Meinchenbekaudty"[2] thing – it is already a bone in my throat!

Notes:

[1] Maybe with more diary entries, I will figure out what this is, but it is not her “Studentin” novel, as that is written in German.

[2] Need to have German looked at.

9.8.45 [August 9, 1945]

A certain quiet joy and satisfaction is in me now because of this apartment. In any case, there is a certain relief and satisfaction in me that it has come true.

13.8.45 [August 13, 1945]

What am I going to do with this chronic lack of money? Now it's like this, that Rózia needs to be sent clothes. Kostenpunkt[1]  – 100 francs; Madzia 100 fr. per month - I myself need for ear money etc. - 100 fr. and although it's not a big sum and I work my 8/ every day, I can't get this sum out. No Tücktijkeit[2] , huh? This has to change! I have to have some practice, some income otherwise I really don't know what will happen.

Notes:

[1] Cost(?)

[2] Cunning?

1.9.45 [September 1, 1945]

This disgusting work "Psychologie der Muscheubekaudlung zin Wehŭle" holds me like a pincer. I can't bring myself to write my romance. And I should, if only for Tr. and Rózia's sake. To have such expenses and nothing in sight of earnings!

2.9.45 [September 2, 1945]

When I consider how often I have treated people badly, I simply feel sick. I have a disgusting Kerreunatur and there is probably nothing that can be done about it – it always comes out on top. I cannot say that I have behaved noble towards my current servant – how many times I have offended her! I am ashamed of myself when I think about it and I think that I deserved the way people treat me now.

5.9.45 [September 5, 1945]

It seems that I have fallen into the hands of thieves again – Przezwański and that Born. He must have stolen Rózia's watch. Interesting that he does not respond to any of the letters. A thug. That is one side of the matter. And the other is a matter of my character. Somehow I must have a negative effect on people: either because of my stupidity and failure to recognize myself in the situation or because of my negative-suggestive influence. I cannot explain to myself otherwise this hostility that exists between me and people. Maybe because I always think so negatively about myself? It seems to me that this is the crux of the matter. In Krakow, I had this feeling that if I kept away from people, I would be fine; now I will do the same – I must do the same. Away, away, away. Infinite reserve. I do not want anything from others. I have convinced myself what human character means.

I would very much like to write this romance. It must be great! The holy words of this Jacobi: Man mein nicht zich in Ordnung sein![1] 

Notes:

[1] Presumably some variation of the German proverb “Ordnung muss sein”—“there must be order”.

S&P&G September 19 [1945]

I was in Zurich for these "children's weeks". It was true that it was much better than other times with people, but still, still - there is still a long way to go before a completely relaxed good relationship with people. I have learned to speak a little more freely - despite my poor hearing, I took part in discussions twice and spoke quite freely. But...

No one invited me to speak publicly, although so many others were invited... Oh well. That has to come with time.

Ascona 6.X.45 [October 6, 1945]

I really don't know what will happen to me next. I don't know how to organize myself, I don't know how to manage, I don't know how to take advantage of situations, I don't know how to use people. My impulsiveness and what others call "Aggressivität" are very harmful to me. I regret terribly that I acted impulsively with Wehberg - now I won't be able to publish my article so soon. And I ruined it with him forever. And so on and so forth. I'm afraid of what will happen in Bern in this respect.

Ascona 11.X.45 [October 11, 1945]

I am in an impossible state of disarray. Almost every day I have evidence of how people dislike me and I have a quarrel with every new person I meet. Today I learn from Fajgeubaum that this Szymańska did not want to take things for Rózia because of a "misunderstanding" with me. I do not know how I affected her, I cannot realize the impression that my words or actions make.

The entire Polish delegation ignored me. Even Baley. No one addressed me with anything. What is it about me? What is this "badness" of mine? Everything always comes out wrong with me somehow. I mess with everyone without exception! And I do not know for what 3 groszy.

Solothurn 14.X.45 [October 14, 1945]

I had a very bad night tonight because of this move; but I think to myself that maybe this isolated life here is not good for me. I am already 90% in favor of going to Ascona.

1.XI.45 [November 1, 1945]

If this whole business with Bela[1] doesn't teach me anything, nothing else will teach me how to deal with people and servants. I make terrible, terrible reproaches for my behavior.

1. hasty judgment

2. hostile reactions

If only I could wean myself off this.

Notes:

[1] Transcriber says this did not look like Fela.

2.XI.45 [November 2, 1945]

Yesterday the annual bill for 1944 arrived from Rascher. Although I didn't expect much, but still my balance with the publisher for the whole year for 4 works: 191 francs is terrifying, which means that I have less than 16 francs a month from my books! One, one horror.

So I spit in front of the money baubruster. If something unexpectedly doesn't come to me - I need about 500 francs to compensate for myself, then I don't know what will happen to me. I don't know how to earn even the 100 francs that my maid has! I have aversion to articles, no new work is ready and I have to pore over it again. There is no question of practice before the end of January. I have terrible contempt for myself for my incompetence. And my heart aches that I can't help anyone! And Madzia and Rózia are in the most terrible condition and everything depends on my money! God, have mercy!

Two women, younger than me, one of them far less intelligent than me, have now made a career: Sekvan-Gagg, a delegate to the BJT session in Paris, and Wiseker-Alkoth, who was invited to the Commission on Satzūngen der Alliierten Nationen.

And me? I sit in the corner and can't earn anything and behind my back I get gossiped about left and right. Also a career!

30.XI.45 [November 11, 1945]

I had my birthday this week – 62! A nice age, despite my will, I'm taking stock. And I have to say, that balance didn't turn out well. I can't earn money. Yesterday, there was this 28-year-old Miesch, who, on top of all her living expenses, earns 300 francs a month – I can't earn 150! And I can't get over that. But beyond that, I can't forgive myself. My "exploits" aren't the kind that require so much time. So it's a certain inability, a lack of talent. I have to change my lifestyle altogether. Perhaps in Bern, where there will be more incentives, and in that respect, life will change for me. In any case, I'll have to start some kind of internship to earn money; it's impossible for Tr. to continue like this with all his "Hunle." And it saddens me so much that I don't get any positive response from anywhere:

1) In England, Demoraties Charakter (publishers) was rejected.

2) The same thing happened in Switzerland with this book (publishers).

3) In Sweden, not a single thing went to print, despite excellent reviews.

4) The Swiss paperback was rejected.

5) This Liggizistorfer can't do anything about Hollandia.

6) This Jeangros hasn't read my "Zekrling s Hebre" for eight months.

7) Weltroche hasn't printed my accepted article for three months.

So what should I do? These are all slaps in the face. Apart from the fact that my friends like Kaier and Schmidt aren't in a hurry to answer my letters. Neither Wemberg nor Laky show any sign of life. Meanwhile, all my siblings are poor, and I don't know how to help them with such [vouchers?].

24.XII.45 [December 24, 1945]

How many mistakes I make! An impossible number, and somehow I can't get rid of them. I always and everywhere do something wrong, and somehow I can't act as I should.

There's a general chaos within me. And how everything passes! Yesterday evening, for example, after returning from Fridau, I had such inner peace within me – today again, though it's morning, as if nothing had happened – one is forced from one extreme to the other. During the day, I think about what a deadly atmosphere this Bern will be! And at the same time, I know and feel that T. shouldn't hinder his resolution! And endure everything!

1946 [December 31, 1945]

Almost 12 a.m. New Year's Day, and with it, practically a new life!

1) A week from today, we'll be sleeping in Bern! Maybe I won't be able to imagine living in Solthurn for so long. In any case, I think this move will be "so ader so" for us.

2) Today I received a letter from Trieska. Not only will "Demokratie u Charakter" be translated, but I think he'll manage to stage "Der Han." How happy I would be! I could have so much inner and outer satisfaction, and the money I so desperately need!

If only that were to actually happen! How it would lift me up at the same time! I feel like I'd become a completely different person then – above all, myself.

And it's also possible that something will finally come of it, materially, that I'll finally get some relief. I keep thinking I'll get the money from somewhere! Some material blessing will come from somewhere (perhaps a reward for Warsaw too?)

So the prospects are supposedly good, if only they could be realized.

30.I.46 [January 30, 1946]

I feel terribly unwell, materially, morally, and physically. I think I had a high fever last night – but I slept a long time last night, and although I feel a little better after restless dreams, I don't have the chills, but I'm completely apathetic. I hate my new apartment, my cramped room, where everything falls and gets crammed together, where there's no room for anything. I hate this household with this narrow-minded girl who can't cook – where the stench spreads throughout the apartment.

From all sides, only rejections come: That Diez Sasca can't translate any of my things, she can't find a publisher – the same with the French translation; nothing can be done about the Swedish, despite all Olbers's efforts. There's an impenetrable wall at the university – even though Eganzini has left – a complete failure.

My friends: Lichtenstein: she hasn't called me once since we've been here; the phone costs 20 cents! She wants to save money on me.

She hasn't asked me once if she can be of any help. Nothing. -

Martha: She writes, "Come and pick out some carpets." I ask when I can come. She replies whenever you want—so I'm going immediately. When I arrive, she tells me she's taking all the carpets, that she can't sell anything. Syngal: She's afraid I won't see her husband. She'd rather come to the station twice in one day than see me at her place.

Rodmister: Everything is beggars.

Only the drama "Der Han" in Prague can save me now. I'm so doubtful of everything that I don't even think about it anymore.

What's left? Get your act together. Be like an automaton, but "keep moving." - As an example: Rózia, who suffered so much and yet managed to claw her way out of poverty. My absolute apathy. I hate my room. No good answer from anywhere.

Physically, everything hurts.

14.II.46 [February 14, 1946]

Another sister like Madzia, and I can go to my grave. What a disgusting hysteric she is, and she chose me as the subject of her outbursts.

I decided to endure it, indifferently, and not worry.

I'd been feeling some good feelings for a few days now; I'd started to shake off this Bernese ………….. and I wouldn't go back to Solothurn for anything now. The city is doing its thing.

Today I finally received the long-awaited answer from Třeška: although they don't want to perform my plays right away, this Eisner thinks both plays are good and that they can be performed next year. At least some words of wisdom. This Eisner is a wise man.

A Czech translation of this will also be published. At least a little fame. That will keep my spirits up for a while. It's high time this encouragement arrived.

21.III.46 [March 21, 1946]

They've removed me from the list of psychotechnicians. They took Mirgenthaler there instead; I sometimes feel like a cornered animal, with friendly blows raining down on me from all sides. How can I get out of this? Even Jeangron and Hugo's actions won't help, I think. I have enemies that are almost unconscious.

27.IV.46 [April 27, 1946]

We got back from Ascona two hours ago. We were there for almost a whole month, and I generally felt very comfortable there, although when I got home and saw our nice apartment, it made an impression on me. "Hier gebinst Du hin."

Although I'm very tired, I'd like to note the following:

1) I saw Mrs. Tribe for the first time after returning on the bus. I noticed that when she got out, she ran away as if scalded. When I saw her a second time at the bus stop, she completely ignored me.

2) I saw Heye and his wife the day before yesterday; she, who had once bowed so cordially to me (I've never seen her more often in my life), looked at me for quite a while before bowing back; he pretended not to see me.

3) This Wolfer woman sat like a brick wall on Sunday; but she sat down next to Mrs. Linsonowa.

4) Mrs. Linsonowa dropped in on us once for a moment – we happened to see each other in Berbaus. "We can………by phone," which I did.

Linars never once visited Tr.

5) Not a word about Kauschmann, of course.

6) When I saw that Viennese woman yesterday, she bowed as casually as if to someone you see every day. What does all this mean? Coincidence? I doubt it.

There must be something here.

And that's why Ascona disgusts me so much, even though the nature there is wonderful.

11 ... [May 11, 1946]

Tr. expects me to earn money, and I can't give him that income! What an irony that I can't earn a few hundred francs a month! Not a single book sells!

15.5.46 [May 15, 1946]

Gutenberg-Gilde refused to accept "Heimal & Schichral." I was very ………….. In general, one rejection after another – one failure after another – Mo's triumph…….. gives me no peace and weighs me down. The lack of income is driving me crazy. I waste time and do nothing.

24.V.46 [May 24, 1946]

Gutenberg-Gilde refused to accept "Heimal & Schichral." I was very ………….. In general, one rejection after another – one failure after another – Mo's triumph…….. gives me no peace and weighs me down. The lack of income is driving me crazy. I waste time and do nothing.

1.6.46 [June 1, 1946]

I had a rough day yesterday. The mail brought a negative "Digset" in the morning, then the maid gave me notice, then the taxes arrived in the evening, Tr. did the maid's calculations, and it turns out he has to work hard to earn money. It breaks my heart that I'm so helpless, that I don't earn money, that I don't have a position like Koch, etc. Besides, for Tr.'s health, we should have gone to Ascona and stayed there, not let him kill himself here like this. If he didn't need to go to Gotthelfkaus, it would have been half the trouble, but yes... Why don't I have any good wages to help him with his hard work?

5.VI.46 [June 5, 1946] 

Three great wishes: Tramer's health, money, a good girl. I wish I were smart enough to know how to deal with people properly. I couldn't deal with that girl, and now I have to. So I could get another one. What will I do, poor girl? My soul is in terrible pain.

13.VII.46 [July 13, 1946] 

This Fela-egoist is here now. It's strange how, despite all this, she's so successful with people; she's completely different to them – on the surface. Deeper still, she's "my own self." A Geselligheib typus.

As for me – I tried once again to do something for myself at university. Pierre Kohler, now Stein, Jeangros – everything goes this way. Everyone listens to me, but no one thinks of calling me to anything. And that's the point. When I left Koller's on Wednesday, I was simply disgusted with myself for messing around with this psychology.

But the most important thing for me today is the fact that I have so little ability to influence people. I can't influence my maid to listen to me, my colleagues to recognize my authority, my acquaintances to offer me their friendship. In this respect, I'm failing miserably. And that's the saddest thing.

Where does the error lie? In a certain spiritual Schlappheit. I don't have that resilience. Sometimes I just "raffe ich mich auf." It seems I have to do this every day, almost every hour. I have to have this idea that I have to suggest things to people every time, like that Versicherungsagent—otherwise, I'll fail.

24.8.46 [August 8, 1946] 

My family gives me a perfect topic for my studies. It's just a shame I'm paying for it with my heart's blood.

Fela: Thank God she's leaving the day after tomorrow,[1]  we argue constantly. Today's farewell conversation: I tell her that Blicherowa once scolded me for not helping her. She asks what I did, "I didn't answer the letter." "You did the right thing." Good for her, but she doesn't get into the situation of me being slandered because of it.

Or: she keeps saying, when we write to her, etc., that people ask her if she's our sister (I think she wants to invite Rózia to her place to demonstrate her kindness). When I answer, "I was in St. Margherita after all," she remains silent. Despite everything, she doesn't say how much money she had at Mum's.

Notes:

[1] A long visit, since she was already there on July 13 (notice no intervening diary entries.

28.X.46 [October 28, 1946] 

A lot has passed since my last note. During that time, there was Rózia's arrival – the trip to Ascona. Actually, today, when Tr. went to Schnyder's, I found a quiet moment to chat with myself again.

I feel sick in my soul about the train home. Rózia's arrival, this train, has made it even worse. I'm terribly nervous about her. She's close to my heart, yet so distant from my entire outlook on life! Her appearance, reminiscent of my mother, is simply terrifying. And so I keep killing myself over trivial things – it's simply an impossible mental state. I can barely keep my nerves together. I don't tolerate this state of preoccupation with difficulties and wasting time on them.

The second thing that throws me off balance is my personality. It's simply impossible for me to have any kind of relationship with people based on any "proper" feelings. Everything inside me is always trembling, I'm nervous and unfair; with me, it's unbearable. I admit it myself and can't help myself. For two months, Fela was annoying me, now Rózia – the future is uncertain, after all.

Speaking of which, I'm reminded of my professorship. It's almost ridiculous to write that word, and yet it's true; there might be a conclusion that a professorship will come true. A small coincidence, and it would be the best safeguard, although the work and responsibility are great, and I no longer want to work as intensely as will be required of me. But perhaps even that can be achieved. "But, but, how can I reconcile all these responsibilities? How can I reconcile running this household, with these servants, with these duties? Maybe a stenographer would make things easier for me? But what's there to say? Somehow, it seems impossible to me."

One more thing: that 69-year-old Hrebel was in Ascona. He's having a hard time with his wife. "Hat Feuer gefangen," like Fuchs once did. Now, of course, he's forgotten that impression. But it was interesting to me that even people that age can still be interested in women. What a surprise!

If only this matter had been resolved.

How I need silence, solitude! I simply have too many people; I need to be alone for a certain part of the day; it's spiritual medicine for me.

In Ascona, I didn't do any academic work. I barely, barely, engaged in this romance. After arriving, I barely engaged in writing this "Hypersocial" and this thing for the "Berufsberater." But I have to engage in this romance again.

So, the ice has broken with my diary. I'm able to write again.

10.XII.46 [December 10, 1946] 

This book, "Psychologie der Menschenbehandlung im Betriebe," has been published. If it had sold, I would have made 3,000 francs on it. Why don't any of my books sell out so well that a new edition could be released soon and I could immediately make some money from it? What strange, strange bad luck!

15.XII.46 [December 15, 1946] 

I'm in a great mood. Yesterday I spoke at the Berufberater's and it seemed to go well, much to Carrard's annoyance. In general, I've noticed that my relationship with people has improved significantly. I'm also glad that Hug, Jeangros, and I form some kind of cohesion, some kind of unity, that I belong to someone, that I'm not alone. In any case, I walk around with a great feeling of joy and satisfaction, even though things aren't good financially. Money is flowing out enormously – almost nothing comes in from earnings. But there are always views, views, views.

The bottom line is that I feel very well and have a lot of academic satisfaction. That's the key to helping poor Rózia become independent somehow or to secure her future.

Today I thought to myself: I recklessly went out into the frost after a bath: I could get pneumonia – and that's it. But suddenly, a poem came to mind that had been unknown to me for perhaps 30 years: "Oh, it's still too early to die, Sparta, though death-like shivers have run through my body and my spirit has grown moldy."

What does subconscious mean?

I truly have a sense of my own strength. I feel better than in Sol!

27.XII [December 27, 1946] 

[Needs another look; lot missing]

Zostałam więc w tym ……….. psychi……. Hygiene

1) Leikrin der Abteilung fur Beru……

2) węgierskie Par ……………….. zrobiło mnie Korresponde…….. …………

3) dobra krytyka „Menschenbehandlung im Betriebe”

19.I. [January 19, 1947] 

Yesterday's Kochschulverein speech was a flop. The worst was yesterday's scene with Tr. And I thought it would be an exceptionally beautiful day for me. Of course, it's my own incompetence to blame. And besides, maybe it's a good thing I didn't speak up. But what I feared in Sol is happening: that Bern would exacerbate our differences and bring on quarrels.

It's a shame, because nothing good can come from such an accumulation of our differences.

16.II.47 [February 16, 1947] 

This year has started horribly with this corneal inflammation – I haven't been out yet, my eye was very inflamed, and there was a relapse. I sit at home, thinking (not much comes of it), and suffer over Rózia's stay with us. What will happen next – nobody knows, because I don't see any possibility of her getting a job here.

The Jews are behaving disgustingly towards her. If Olberg doesn't achieve anything, then everything they say about Jews is insufficient. Generally – human character! This is something that should be written down as soon as possible, how everything bad happens in the world because of this vile character.

The question arises: why is character vile? At least – why are most people vile? Man wants to have free will – anything that opposes this is abhorrent to him.

20.II.47 [February 20, 1947] 

What a blessing that this eye is finally better! I'm not allowed to go out yet, but at least I don't have that Damocles-like feeling of inertia!

Something good should come from Er...departen now.

3.III.47 [March 3, 1947] 

My hardest battle is with my character – with this small ability to overcome myself – my anger, my rage, my unjust judgment of people. It pains me deeply that I can't destroy this within myself!

Little, little money – despite everything. The expenses are terrible.