Diary 1943-1948

See notes about this project and the translations on the Diaries home page. 

15.I.45 [January 15, 1945]

I was at the Rodeks yesterday to have a proper talk in the context of this Shiftung. Will it work? It would be slipping from our little house to a little house in Bern, I would save a lot of searching for an apartment, it would be a crazy simplification of the move, an immediate possibility of developing Traum's activity and its position strengthened among all psychiatrists. But will it work? The inner voice says more against than for, besides I wonder if this won't have its weak points? In any case, goodbye to a comfortable life in Sol. - You will gain a little in another way.

16.I.45 [January 16, 1945]

Roth's arrival has already become a fiasco. The issues of "Berner Auzergei" arrived with her letter and when I read all those advertisements, all those miseries there, I simply felt bad about the poverty prevailing there. And that we will have to move there! But what to do? In view of this financial bankruptcy and my incompetence in life. I should have stood and been different today. After 15 years, still Priv.D…..!

17.I.45 [January 17, 1945]

Yesterday I was in Lucerne with a lecture and I am giving the same one for the fourth time: (Dalsthal, Altem, Solothura). It seems that you liked it. Besides, I don't care so much anymore. The fact is that my health is very bad. I felt so bad during the ride (stress) that I ate almost a franc's worth of chocolates. (Strange thing, chocolate works well for me, while it works badly for Dora Schmidt, for example, and she doesn't eat it). At night I got a terrible cramp in my legs, especially in the right one. This cramp woke me up and scared me a lot, because it happens more and more often and lasts longer and is more and more painful. In general, Tr. and I are starting to be two invalids. I don't know at all how I'm going to carry on, and at the same time there are more and more things that I would like to do. Not soon, Marycho...

Roscher sent me a vertrag for the 2nd edition of the character... I am actually very pleased. It's a pity I didn't take the English translation out of his law. But despite this I have no money at all and I'm struggling - and I can't buy myself a couple of shoes that I really need.

21.I.45 [January 21, 1945]

I was in Bern yesterday on the Tr. course. I managed to make the acquaintance of this Schmidt from Biel – very valuable ……………. from Zurukzogh I also made 2 valuable contracts there: a lecture and a small article for his publishing house.

24.I.45 [January 24, 1945]

Today "Vorwarts" sent me a printed article of mine "Warschau und Lodz". I was extremely pleased. I have the impression that the center of gravity of my abilities lies in the literary field.

24.I.45 [January 24, 1945]

Today "Vorwarts" sent me a printed article of mine "Warschau und Lodz". I was extremely pleased. I have the impression that the center of gravity of my abilities lies in the literary field.

5.II.45 [February 5, 1945]

This Rotht[1]  is painting my portrait. It seems that it will be beautiful. I am very happy about it.

I was at their tea yesterday and I spoke with this Roth about the possibility of such a Stiflingt[2]  for Tr. - How good she is and how willing to help. I felt extremely nice in her company and in general in this circle of people and I was extremely moved by their kindness. During the whole way back I reproached myself for my own badness; especially towards the servants, to whom I am constantly unbearable (I get angry when they work badly). I decided (for the thousandth time by the way) to be different, to overcome myself, etc., to overcome difficulties here too. It does not help much.

I am starting to think seriously about such a "Stifling" for Tr. It would be an ideal solution to the problem. I hope I can make it happen. The difficulties are great, but it must be done, it must be done. It would be a great plus for me too.

Notes:

[1] There is correspondence in the archives with a “Helene Roth”, and there was a Swiss painter by that name, but otherwise don’t know.

 [2] Need to have someone with German look at this word.

12.II.45 [February 12, 1945]

I am very dissatisfied with myself, because I keep making the same mistakes – for example, with the maid who leaves: always the same Zorureaktiere; always the same stinginess in relation to payment (this is probably also …………. that I myself do not get well paid) and the same submission to the opinion

Tr. I have to know for myself which maid suits me somehow and not pay attention to his diagnoses – debilite or not.

I am incorrigible myself and I demand improvement from others, so much lower than me.

Last Friday I was extremely nervous. This Reiwald wrote to me several times, finally he came via Solothum, we met at the Bahnhof. As soon as I saw him, that German blondness of his, that askinistic type, that conventional smile of his, when I saw at once that I had a German before me, who was repulsive to me, as repulsive as Lurawa and Rajche. Of course, in my conversation with him I made a mistake, that I mentioned my stay in Berlin, I was brief, that we had only been together for a short time, his train was leaving; but after that I walked and walked through the rain completely dejected, that I was incapable of forming a lasting, long-term friendship with the people who addressed me. What happened to Ernst, to Weldler, to Denke, who came to me here and tried to win me over? Nothing. True, they were not the people for me – “Mes zweite Garnitur” – but they should have been with the wrong Sp…… with me ………

It is impossible to get down with me today. How to find a good maid?

24.II.45 [February 24, 1945]

Yesterday I had another lecture in Alten with these women. It seems that it was very good. Only now, at the end of my life, have I gained some self-confidence, I have topics in hand and I feel that I can give people something. I have gotten rid of certain "kinderwertykeitgefukle", which were completely right, by the way. It's a pity that all this came so late. Who knows, whether I will have enough strength to sort it out

From the Bernese theatre I received very negative criticism of my thing "Der Han"[1] - despite Frokwein! Tough! Apparently my destiny is science!

Notes:

[1] See below.

7.III.45 [March 7, 1945]

My portrait by this Roth[1]  was finished today. I think it came out beautifully. In any case, I am very pleased with it. 11 sessions of 3-4 hours each! But it paid off! The maid is leaving the day after tomorrow. I would really like to finally have someone who ould be around for a few years and satisfy me. This new little one (from the 15th of this month) may have all these advantages.

Notes:

[1] See above. Have no knowledge of a portrait of her.

14.III.45 [March 14, 1945]

I spoke with this Frokwein by phone today. He notes that "Der Han" is suitable as a "Horspiel" on the Radio and that he will take on this job in May. I hope so. However, I have to write Vasy Hochmann for this - maybe the fork will work this time. It would be really good with this Frokwein. He has a certain family sentiment. I would always give it to Molly.

25.IV.45 [April 25, 1945]

Return from Ascona. There were 4 very sunny weeks and I was generally satisfied that I could finish Pre… and I didn’t suffer as much as I had during my previous stays. Two days before leaving I received a telegram from Madzia. Rafał had died.[1] 

I was and am devastated by this news. Poor, poor Rafał. He somehow didn’t fit into our Baumgarten family. He didn’t like us – he felt bad and uncomfortable among us. We didn’t give him what he was looking for – financial security – he had to fight for a job – for survival. Disappointment with Janka, that he wasn’t a son, his terrible pangs of conscience with regard to his father, whom he couldn’t help; all this ruined his health, and on top of that the matter with Aronowska[2]. He had an unhappy life, in fact Madzia was struggling with it. Will she be able to arrange her life anew! She is still very feminine. And I didn't have that absolute brotherly feeling towards him, Julek was closer to him after all, but I really appreciated his honesty and some kind of righteous character. I could say that I have many things on my conscience towards him, but above all I can't get over the fact that he ended up like that, that he wasn't lucky in life, that he had such a terrible awareness of his fate and maybe also a great resentment towards me - for Janka, for Madzia, for himself. It's unspeakably hard for me. I would like to cry out loud.

Notes:

[1] Her brother-in-law died on March 27, so she left for Ascona on March 29. Doesn’t diary while away.

[2] No idea. Have name checked again?

May 7 [1945]

There is no doubt in my mind that I have some kind of bad reputation among the upper classes and that many people who approach me and want to establish contact – withdraw. This is what happened, for example, with Trudi Weber[1], who wanted to interview me, this is apparently what happened now with this lady from Heinu "Leben" – she was supposed to come, I could not receive her at the time she specified – and now she fell silent. She obtained information in the meantime.

The same can be said about Mme Gelevind. Although they organized a Tugŭung "Fraŭ u. Kemokratii" in Sol. they neither invited me nor even informed me about it. In this way I am alienated from them.

And so on and so forth. I do not know if I am mistaken, but it seems to me that my dear colleagues have taken care of a good reputation for me.

It may be that, being an "outsider" by nature, I don't convince them. Sad.

This matter of moving out of Solothurn scares me to no end. How will it be with such small financial resources? I am unable to earn money and there are no signs of any earnings coming from anywhere. I am often simply crushed by this impossibility of earning money. Books bring nothing. The drama "Der Han[2]" - is not accepted by anyone. Will Frohvein do anything about it? Doubtful, there is no "coup" that could bring me anything. The university is silent, it could have made me a professor a long time ago. And so on and so forth. Nothing, and nothing, works out financially. And at the same time so many worries: Tr.'s health - the existence of Madzia and Janka and Rózia, if the poor one lives so far.

Notes:

[1] A reporter for “Die Nation”.

[2] Not sure; this is not a drama or radio play listed in the Bern archives.

13.V.45 [May 13, 1945]

Last Friday I had a lecture at "Heni... und Geschafthfrauin"[1] in Zurich. I was very afraid, when I was already in the hall, whether I would be able to interest these women (there were 80 of them). It turned out that I was. I seemed to have great success. In any case, I could be satisfied.

But another thing is that despite everything I do not know how to deal with people and my maid, who dismissed me yesterday, complained that I was "dressing her up". Indeed, people demand to be taken care of, to show interest in them, which I do not have for them. Out of 100 people I am really interested in "one".

So I constantly have to give in. I have to put on "armor" when I am with people. Not a mask, but armor, that external side that will protect me from various accusations that I am rough, like to command, etc. The worst thing is that I make reproaches in an inappropriate form. I will learn my lesson again, for I don't know how many times, not to advertise.

Notes:

[1] “? and the Businesswoman"

25.V.45 [May 25, 1945]

I am learning more and more of one thing – restraint. At the same time, I notice that such restraint also affects the ability to think.

I cannot imagine how our future will turn out, or rather what form our life will take. Will we be in Bern? Will I be forced to live in Ascona? To think that a little free money to enter Bern would allow us to overcome the difficulties of moving. And I, this supposedly well-known and respected one, am not able to give Tr. the few thousand that I took from him for my siblings. In general, now the matter is getting complicated with Madzia and Rózia. Both need help. How, in the conditions we will be in, will we be able to help them?

My whole life, for the last 30 years, since 1914, I have been responsible for helping my family. Parents want to be free from supporting their children as soon as possible, they want them to earn money and stand on their own feet as soon as possible, and each of my siblings is always dependent on our help. One way or another. As a result of this or that. What can I do about it? There will definitely be people who will say that they would be happy if they knew they had someone to help, but oh well, with all this joy there is the fact that it is a terrible torment for me.

7.VI.45 [June 7, 1945]

Yesterday I brought myself to go to this Stalder and give him "Democratie s Charakter" for General Eisenhower[1]. I don't know what will come of it - maybe something good. I am completely calm, as if it didn't affect me at all.

It is interesting for me to note that this Stalder was extremely nice to me yesterday, I simply wish Janka could be his wife. And yet this same Stalder made a completely different impression on me when he was with me for the first time. Why? Another proof of how much one depends on subjective feelings in relation to other people.

Notes:

[1] See attached letter (below), a copy of which is inserted in the diary. Written in French. Have not identified this "Stalder." 

7.VI.45 [June 7, 1945]

If Tr. got a job at Schweiner Speude[1], it would look like this:

I write an article about an ear aid[2]

a committee is formed and I meet this Schmied

Schmied gets a job at Olgiati

Olgiati, at his urging, hires Tramer.

So who can ever predict the consequences of something?

[pencil note] Tr. didn't get a job

Notes:

[1] ? pig something? She spouts how absurd things can get.

[2] Because of her hearing problems, she was always on the lookout for new hearing devices

15.VI.45 [June 15, 1945]

I had a lecture in Zurich the day before yesterday in that Wild...stätte. [?] said it was the best lecture of the semester "without offending my husband". How much truth there is in that - I don't know, I wasn't happy.

Nuv

But what really bothers me is the matter with the maid. I had a golden bird in my hand and I let it go. Through my own fault, through my own kind of reaction. Some devil is in me - I don't know what. From almost the very beginning there were small frictions with her, as with others, and these frictions arouse a certain hatred, a desire to act out of spite, disobedience. The worst thing is to make excuses or show dissatisfaction, you can't just hide it. Hide, hide, hide.

Well, now I've been sitting for almost a week without a maid. I can't get anyone. I've even written about …….. although I don't like foreigners in the house. Maybe someone else will show up, but - the fact remains that I let her down. This girl should have supported herself, even though she stole a little, I should have guided her in the right direction. That's what hurts me the most. I failed.

18.VI.45 [June 18, 1945]

Frohwein[1] was at my place yesterday. He read my kürsprel[2] aloud. I have to say that the thing is really good and should actually spread all over the world. First of all in Germany itself. I will try in Geneva.

Notes:

[1] I believe “Erich Frohwin” who appears to have been opera singer.

[1] See May 6 entry; seems something that she has been trying to get others interest in.

3.VII.45 [July 3, 1945]

I have the impression that I conducted negotiations with that servant – the Seamstress – badly. I made many mistakes in conversation and correspondence with her. I do not know how to conduct negotiations diplomatically.

24.VII.45 [July 24, 1945]

I decided to start writing a romance on August 1st. I actually wanted to do it at the end of September in Ascona, but who knows what will happen by then, whether I will have the same comfort of writing as I have this month, and considering that the salary is small, that Tr. is very concerned about our financial situation, I decided to write. It is high time for both this and earning money. I have to put aside my “scientificity” now, I am especially sorry about “Han psychologie” – but it is hard, I cannot allow Tr. to tire himself out.

8.8.45 [August 5, 1945]

I'm looking for an apartment. I can't find one. That Ledermann who sold me a house under my nose - I have the impression that he didn't want to rent it to me, and that Furrer woman, I have the impression, doesn't want to rent it to me either. Maybe the same way that maid from Bern didn't come to me. I don't know if this is a fair remark, in any case it gives me reason to think that there are people who arouse antipathy, that is hatred. They sense the hatred that is in the other.

What will happen to this apartment? I would so like to have a house! That house on Beatusstrasse was so nice! I would feel so good in it! Better than in any other! What will happen to it now!

I read my romance these days - because I want to publish it. I admired how well I wrote in 1918 and how rich my Polish language was then. Now - it's gone, I'm not able to write like that. The trick now will be to finish this romance as soon as possible[1] .

I always thought I would write this romance during some …… ………. stay in Nice etc. In the meantime I will write it maybe during the chaos of moving. However, it is high time to finish this “Faust” of mine (I call it that because I have been poring over it almost my whole life). And new details keep coming to my mind. However, I will not finish this thing so soon.

For now, the point is to finally finish my “Meinchenbekaudty"[2] thing – it is already a bone in my throat!

Notes:

[1] Maybe with more diary entries, I will figure out what this is, but it is not her “Studentin” novel, as that is written in German.

[2] Need to have German looked at.

9.8.45 [August 9, 1945]

A certain quiet joy and satisfaction is in me now because of this apartment. In any case, there is a certain relief and satisfaction in me that it has come true.

13.8.45 [August 13, 1945]

What am I going to do with this chronic lack of money? Now it's like this, that Rózia needs to be sent clothes. Kostenpunkt[1]  – 100 francs; Madzia 100 fr. per month - I myself need for ear money etc. - 100 fr. and although it's not a big sum and I work my 8/ every day, I can't get this sum out. No Tücktijkeit[2] , huh? This has to change! I have to have some practice, some income otherwise I really don't know what will happen.

Notes:

[1] Cost(?)

[2] Cunning?

1.9.45 [September 1, 1945]

This disgusting work "Psychologie der Muscheubekaudlung zin Wehŭle" holds me like a pincer. I can't bring myself to write my romance. And I should, if only for Tr. and Rózia's sake. To have such expenses and nothing in sight of earnings!

2.9.45 [September 2, 1945]

When I consider how often I have treated people badly, I simply feel sick. I have a disgusting Kerreunatur and there is probably nothing that can be done about it – it always comes out on top. I cannot say that I have behaved noble towards my current servant – how many times I have offended her! I am ashamed of myself when I think about it and I think that I deserved the way people treat me now.

5.9.45 [September 5, 1945]

It seems that I have fallen into the hands of thieves again – Przezwański and that Born. He must have stolen Rózia's watch. Interesting that he does not respond to any of the letters. A thug. That is one side of the matter. And the other is a matter of my character. Somehow I must have a negative effect on people: either because of my stupidity and failure to recognize myself in the situation or because of my negative-suggestive influence. I cannot explain to myself otherwise this hostility that exists between me and people. Maybe because I always think so negatively about myself? It seems to me that this is the crux of the matter. In Krakow, I had this feeling that if I kept away from people, I would be fine; now I will do the same – I must do the same. Away, away, away. Infinite reserve. I do not want anything from others. I have convinced myself what human character means.

I would very much like to write this romance. It must be great! The holy words of this Jacobi: Man mein nicht zich in Ordnung sein![1] 

Notes:

[1] Presumably some variation of the German proverb “Ordnung muss sein”—“there must be order”.

S&P&G September 19 [1945]

I was in Zurich for these "children's weeks". It was true that it was much better than other times with people, but still, still - there is still a long way to go before a completely relaxed good relationship with people. I have learned to speak a little more freely - despite my poor hearing, I took part in discussions twice and spoke quite freely. But...

No one invited me to speak publicly, although so many others were invited... Oh well. That has to come with time.

Ascona 6.X.45 [October 6, 1945]

I really don't know what will happen to me next. I don't know how to organize myself, I don't know how to manage, I don't know how to take advantage of situations, I don't know how to use people. My impulsiveness and what others call "Aggressivität" are very harmful to me. I regret terribly that I acted impulsively with Wehberg - now I won't be able to publish my article so soon. And I ruined it with him forever. And so on and so forth. I'm afraid of what will happen in Bern in this respect.

Ascona 11.X.45 [October 11, 1945]

I am in an impossible state of disarray. Almost every day I have evidence of how people dislike me and I have a quarrel with every new person I meet. Today I learn from Fajgeubaum that this Szymańska did not want to take things for Rózia because of a "misunderstanding" with me. I do not know how I affected her, I cannot realize the impression that my words or actions make.

The entire Polish delegation ignored me. Even Baley. No one addressed me with anything. What is it about me? What is this "badness" of mine? Everything always comes out wrong with me somehow. I mess with everyone without exception! And I do not know for what 3 groszy.

Solothurn 14.X.45 [October 14, 1945]

I had a very bad night tonight because of this move; but I think to myself that maybe this isolated life here is not good for me. I am already 90% in favor of going to Ascona.

1.XI.45 [November 1, 1945]

If this whole business with Bela[1] doesn't teach me anything, nothing else will teach me how to deal with people and servants. I make terrible, terrible reproaches for my behavior.

1. hasty judgment

2. hostile reactions

If only I could wean myself off this.

Notes:

[1] Transcriber says this did not look like Fela.

2.XI.45 [November 2, 1945]

Yesterday the annual bill for 1944 arrived from Rascher. Although I didn't expect much, but still my balance with the publisher for the whole year for 4 works: 191 francs is terrifying, which means that I have less than 16 francs a month from my books! One, one horror.

So I spit in front of the money baubruster. If something unexpectedly doesn't come to me - I need about 500 francs to compensate for myself, then I don't know what will happen to me. I don't know how to earn even the 100 francs that my maid has! I have aversion to articles, no new work is ready and I have to pore over it again. There is no question of practice before the end of January. I have terrible contempt for myself for my incompetence. And my heart aches that I can't help anyone! And Madzia and Rózia are in the most terrible condition and everything depends on my money! God, have mercy!

Two women, younger than me, one of them far less intelligent than me, have now made a career: Sekvan-Gagg, a delegate to the BJT session in Paris, and Wiseker-Alkoth, who was invited to the Commission on Satzūngen der Alliierten Nationen.

And me? I sit in the corner and can't earn anything and behind my back I get gossiped about left and right. Also a career!