Diary 1927-1932

See notes about this project and the translations on the Diaries home page. 

September 15, 1931

Rózia's letter about Madzia and Julek. This is Ludka[1] 's comedic behavior. Oh, you can't worry about all this! You have to be in life like in water – swim on the surface – with everything, with everyone! She taught me a lot with her example.

I am enjoying this peace, that there is no one. Phew! That was quite a visit. After ……chen(?) left I felt orphaned(?), after them I feel relieved. Why didn’t that kid like me though?

I learned a lot from him though. And who knows, maybe this kind of learning isn’t more important than the congress.

Notes:

[1] Haven’t figure out who Ludka is (see next entry).

September 21, 1931

Since Saturday evening I have been walking around in one rage at Julek for his telegram about money for Ludka. How this man has no sense at all that he shouldn’t have demanded so much from me, when their stay cost me so much. It is villainy to abuse me like that. Just to show in front of ……….(?) that he is sensitive. We’ll see if he sends her away.

Now again the story with Madzia. I don’t look enough for her to let me operate. She can run away until I do. I sent her money for the doctor by telegraph again - since the summer it has cost me 150 fr - and now I don't have money for a coat, shoes etc. - I have to give the money I got from uni today in installments for Rózia, besides, almost the last of our money from the bank will go to Madzia's operation[1] . I am so furious at this exploitation of me that I can barely hold back an outburst. Julek somehow angered me the most - although the sum this time is not large, this way of demanding from me by telegraph outraged me to the core.

It is awful to have such siblings. Actually, I have a bad tactic in life: I give and get angry, you should smile and refuse.

Notes:

[1] Presumably, the hysterectomy that her sister, Magdalena, did finally have in summer 1932.

September 24, 1931

I read my diary at the beginning of this notebook and I was terrified by how bad it was for me then in this Sol. It cannot even be compared to the current state. I is a good thing that I wrote down many of his criticisms. Yesterday I was at Tr. offended that he didn't show me the newspaper with that Carr(?). - but he was explaining to me what he wouldn't have done before.

But even then, 4-3 years ago, I had the impression that I was a bit …….(?) of the psychotechnical movement, today of course this impression has increased. In this Switzerland everything happens without me, nobody invites me to anything. Münch's betrayal is extremely unpleasant to me, I don't know why he changed so suddenly. Well, but he will remember that. However, this must also change. It is strange that no one from Russia has written to me yet, that they regret that I didn't come, what a pity! Apparently, I didn't miss anyone there despite this card.

September 29, 1931

We were at that Witker's (?) yesterday - I have the impression that we both envied him - children, grandchildren, and that he managed to do so well here with the device. Poor Tr. has constant expenses for his development.

Then I woke up. I thought about Madzia, the operation I was going for, my neck that hurts, my reluctance to work, Tr. and so many things – and when I got up and got that faint(?) mail, I lost the will to live.

I have to change tactics with my sisters. Fela writes to me when I tell her why she explains these boring things like in this card; Madzia replies to my desire to come for the operation in this way – Julek doesn’t write a word after Pet(er) arrives. And me? I walk around in torn shoes and pay interest for Rózia ………(?) Am I that clumsy?

October 1, 1931

Today I was looking through my papers, organizing my works and I saw how much I have already scribbled in my life. But what was the result? I simply got the reluctance to work. Nothing comes of it all. Julek wrote a letter and returned the festa (?). It seems that everything is fine. Now I would like to have an end to her operation with Madzia.

October 3, 1931

And a letter came from Madzia, saying that the operation is still undecided. So for now I took a breath! And the conflict with her has calmed down.

Today I feel exceptionally well, although my ear is popping a lot and the back of my head hurts. And I have the impression that now I understand more about life than before, that what I had for a moment in Krakow, which made me so happy, so self-confident, has now been acquired by me again – in a different way – but still. And I have the impression that it will stay with me, this right attitude towards people – which has so far ruined everything in my life.

How good it is that in life you can start many things anew. You can always create “die sociale …….(?)” anew.

October 19, 1931

Wrote Kafka in response to the “Seuderdruk” sent to him about “Wunderkinder”. [1] …….. …… dan wir in Hamburg …… aneinaurer ...beiplaŭsen sind [a series of words in German] (?)

My bad mood in Hamburg has spoiled a lot for me. I don’t know what it is about me that sometimes scares people away.

I do everything myself – good and bad.

Notes:

[1] Presumably, “Wunderkinder” published in 1930 by  Psychologische Untersuchngen

October 21, 1931

Madzia wrote about this operation, I will have to go to [Berlin] about this. I feel cold. Whenever I think about it, my heart clenches. Is this a feeling of something bad? - I have the same feeling as when Madzia had a deal with this apartment.

October 25, 1931

I'm writing it down for future reference. Today I worked extremely lightly. And when I finished this report for Li...(?) I felt strangely light in my soul as if I had written something good, although this only concerns the stupid report (about Kŭnkl(?)).

In general and ………(?) and in general I feel very well lately. I think more than once that my body has finally reached equilibrium (after 2 and ½ years since that ………….(?)) and that only now will my abilities develop in their fullness. I need one big coup! - During this Cut I worked very decently, as best I could I made up for the backlog - now it's about finishing Abderhalden [1]   and doing something monumental in psychology (about character etc.) - Amen! Great God (and mom) help me!

 Notes:

[1] Perhaps, a reference to Emil Aberhalden, a controversial Swiss physiologist.

October 26, 1931

A strange accident: today I am proofreading my "soziale testen der psychotechnick[1] " and I happen to see on the ground a piece of paper with a bibliographic note that was as if ordered, so desired. A few minutes before that I was looking for an article about Hern that I needed for the same article, but I couldn't find it and by chance …………. (?) this one appeared. What does coincidence mean though!

Notes:

[1] "Soziale Seiten der Psychotechnik” published in 1931.

October 28, 1931

This letter from Julek asking for a loan came to such a head. What kind of a person is he! I couldn't calm down for a long time, my legs were shaking, they are still shaking.

October 29, 1931

I sent him 150 fr. - I took it from Gho….ina's (?) money for now, because I don't have my own. - He's a disgusting beggar. Not a word how or what.

In the meantime, Madzia writes - he can't decide on an operation - he probably won't let himself have it done now; in the meantime I didn't go to Dagma(?), I bothered Lipman that I was coming, I didn't buy a coat here because of her, nor shoes - in a word, everything got messed up for me. - This is family - no way. - They'll drive me to my grave.

November 1, 1931

Of course there was also the matter with this Spaeto(?). Thank God I was that...(?). If only I could get a good replacement.

In these days "Psychologische Kŭndschaŭ" printed an episode of my "Mouschenbekaud...(?)", yesterday Fela from a Danish newspaper sent me an episode about Wunderkinder, but strangely enough, it doesn't cause any reaction - as if it didn't reflect on me at all, I don't "feel" this success. - In the meantime they are getting involved among the women here, they don't invite me anywhere, they don't need me anywhere. It's characteristic. But at the same time I am somehow helpless, I do not carry out everything I would like and should. I should be more mobile, especially since he even pushes me in this direction, but Tr. has a devastating effect on me; he presses all my mobility down. What to do about it? That this N. will not say anything, so much! And that I am getting so old!!

November 10, 1931

We were at the Smyders' on Sunday(?). How bored I am with these people! How they are not interested in me at all as a person! I am not able to arouse interest in people any more.

And I feel more and more how Tr.'s personality oppresses me. How little this man cares about me! How he is filled with his egoism! He has neither smile nor understanding nor interest for me. - Nothing. It seems to me that in one second we can part like strangers (would regret and other thoughts about him come later? I don't know).

And again it seems to me that just like back then in Krakow only from myself can any happiness arise for me. Happy coexistence with people is possible only because of my "personality". - How can I be myself again?

And this head, this head that is so interfering with my work. As if I wanted to work all day long!

December 1, 1931

I was with Tr. in Paris from 20-28 December[1] . Generally I can't complain about this stay, because I spoke with Ms. Curie, I met a few people (Esthel (?) personally!), I spoke with Laky(?), Vallentin, Pierre(?) etc.; Tr. was generally nice - but I didn't manage to do a few things. In Paris itself I lost too much time and energy running around for a dress etc. - I didn't know how to buy trifles. Besides, I didn't buy almost any of the trifles I wanted. The worst thing was the return, so badly planned that I lost a lot of money and didn't achieve anything at the ball because of the unpleasantness (I didn't see Abelinor, Braudi, Naegcligo(?)), I looked bad. In a word, the end of this voyage was very unsuccessful. I am inhumanly tired and a lot of money has burst. It hurts me a lot that I can't work. I should be able to earn money now, but I don't have the spiritual strength to fulfill the orders.

Notes:

[1] Misstatement? It would appear that she was in Paris November 20-28.

December 8, 1931

He doesn't reply …….(?) nothing – where can he have the head to write to me (or think about me being at ……….. …………….(?) in such a position?) I've already put a cross on that, just as the fact of my age (I'm getting older every day!) calls me to sober up when I have any urges!

I don't know what's happening to my desire to work! I should be working, I have time to work and nothing comes of it. I was upset that Komodi and Daved(?) returned the article to me, but why did I write it at all? Why don't I do what I should? I have so many things that ………….(?) instead of this I do something else. I always want something else.

I dream of one thing with all my being, of inventing some kind of hearing aid. It seems to me that I should succeed. If only I could improve my hearing!

December 11, 1931

I really regret not buying a few things in Paris, like the black dress (one of the cheap ones) and the blue beads. I can't make up my mind at the right time, which is obviously a downside. Too bad, those beads were exceptionally pretty. 

December 12, 1931

I was thinking about those things tonight and it occurred to me that I'm thinking about them because their lack of choice only shows how inept I am at taking advantage of opportunities, how inept I am at "catching on".

That one cheap dress with that black velvet was a bargain, the beads were beautiful - and what? I didn't get my bearings in that dress at all. That's what hurts me so much, that inability to do things. That not getting my bearings. I also regret it terribly because after buying that dress I would have been in a better mood in Paris, a more elevated one. Why buy that mood when you could.

It's a shame that people get smart so late, and when they do get smart, it's too late. 

December 15, 1931

I wonder why today, since the moment I woke up, I have the Barcelona II melody in my ears? (16/XII N. was not elected in Madrid, what is wrong with me ……I(?)). Several times recently I have had this feeling of satisfaction with life. I really feel the fact that I am better in health than a year or two ago (two years ago I felt terrible, a year ago I had to deal with a tooth), that financially things are a bit better. I am glad more than once that I am in Sol-a l’abri – this stay does not move me as much as it used to. Old age… different goals, different requirements. Youth is taking over differently. 

December 16, 1931

I was in Burgdorf today, at the trial[1] . I decided to go only at night and maybe I did the right thing. I saw this thing happening for the first time. In my opinion, they murdered this woman. When I saw this crowd of people, I was convinced of how pure Tr. is and what a pure impression he must make. I myself would like to make a completely different impression on people than I think I do. There is something in my attitude to …….(?) that I don’t like. But, it’s never too late to change.

One of the things that bothers me the most at the moment is the fact that I don’t do anything scientifically. I simply grieve that I don’t give my students anything to do – it’s simply terrifying! I can’t squeeze anything out of my fame. What will happen to such a small talent? No idea, no concept.

Notes:

[1] The German Wikipedia has article about the Riedel-Guala case, in which the doctor Max Paul Theodor Riedel (1892–1955) and his lover , the musician Antonia Guala , were sentenced to twenty years in prison in 1926 in Burgdorf, Canton of Bern, for the poisoning of Riedel's wife using arsenic . After five years in prison, both were acquitted in 1931 and compensated for the miscarriage of justice.

December 22, 1931

I have real nostalgia for my black dress in Paris. It was so pretty, original and I would feel so ….gestural in it. In this one I look awful – old and without any “cachet”. This is a punishment for incompetence.

Today I was given back 2 articles: Mükl….(?) , about those Russians, Solvenier Murheite(?) about those veykrer…(?) Despite the fact that at the same time ……….(?) is a Spanish translation, I am very impressed by these refusals.

And this dress proves my incompetence in life. A little lightness in treating this matter would do me good.

December 24, 1931

How I worry about this dress. More and more. I am ashamed of myself. Today I got caught in the same way buying a basket for the maid. If only my incompetence in life were over! 

December 28, 1931

I am convinced once again that it is only through bad thinking that I cause my mistakes. When I went to Paris, there were many well-thought-out things and they worked out, but for example in the matter of the dress I was not at all "un klaren(?)" - as for spending Wednesday neither - and then there was that "black Wednesday" with all the consequences. The dress was bad, Tr. It wasn't good either, I didn't buy any beads, I broke my glasses, I bought the wrong blouses for Fela, Irma, etc. In a word, everything was going wrong. And because I didn't think about Tr. yesterday, it was such a disgusting Sunday evening. However, it gives me the opportunity to think about the article "Ratevielles Maudein".

December 30, 1931

I still have trouble with this dress at the end of this year. All because I don't listen to the voice of my heart. And with this loneliness. We are completely alone here, like a stake, we don't have a lame dog and we feel it this year more than last. Probably my bad organization with people also contributes to this. And I have a mess with money too. Everything slips through my fingers. I am to blame for everything.

December 31, 1931

I feel incredibly bad in my soul. I feel very badly dressed, very ugly, unloved, abandoned, forgotten academically - generally abgewirtschaftet[1] . I slept terribly badly last night. I had a very unpleasant dream – as if I was very unwell – in a word, I feel bad. I reproach myself for earning so little, for helping the sisters so little, for not sending anything to poor Felka L., for dealing with people so clumsily, for dealing with toilet matters so ineptly, etc. The whole litany of all this – may this next year be better.

10:30 evening

So the end of the old year is approaching. It wasn’t the worst. Health was better, Tr. was basically better for me than before, financially it wasn’t bad. But many mistakes I made in Vienna, Berlin, Hamburg above all. I hope I will improve in many ways.

But this year didn’t bring what I wanted above all: neither some grand coup for me, nor for my sisters to get married. Maybe this new year has all this to fulfill + Tr.’s professorship and Madzia’s health. So with confidence into the New Year! - (And for my ear to be fine!)

I haven't received anything from Nied. and there's no mention of him in the newspapers. He probably got married. We should draw a line at that.

Notes:

[1] Run-down

January 1, 1932

New Year's Eve? As usual in tol(?), quiet and peaceful. I went to bed before 11, slept like a log until 9 in the morning (I didn't sleep well last night for that), the post brought me the pleasure that Frantublatt(?) had printed this remark from "Bund". A lovely walk at dinner. Wonderful weather. After dinner at work. In the evening a nice discussion with Tr. - Dno (I just keep thinking about Felka L. - about those poor sisters).

In the morning I thought to myself that it was good that it was New Year's, that I could say to myself: from today I will improve. I would really like to correct my mistakes.

January 5, 1932

Finally! Th. Simon(?) agreed to publish "Krieg, Kinder" in French. I fought for 12 years to publish this thing. It can't be in German, but in French... Well, let's just say so! Maybe it will be good anyway. Maybe this thing will "conquer the world".

We were in Zurich from yesterday after dinner (Monday) until this evening. What a difference in the atmosphere! However, I feel completely different in the city! Well… Maybe I will manage with the drama!

With the newspaper?

I have almost finished this “Testenet...dę(?)” and I feel relieved that it has been lifted from my chest – what a burden it was!

January 6, 1932

How poor he is bored! It was a terrible evening. I can’t do anything (i.e. work) as I want. Meanwhile, time flies. And today he talked again about adopting a child. He said that old age is approaching – that maybe a third person is needed.

When you are alone, you want someone else, when you have someone else, you want a third person. A person is “terribly” lonely. But as for someone at home, that is right. This house is too lonely, too empty. But who to take? Sometimes I think that if something fell from the sky, if it just came to me, it would be good. But like this? And to give money to a stranger when there is so little of it among our own people – when Fela is starving herself and Rózia is dying of it, etc. - No -

January 13, 1932

From Portugal I received some foxes from the professor – no – in general in recent days I have felt some kind of increased drive for life. And I have the impression that people should be implanted and given this drive for life, this joy of life. Those who live, should feel it, otherwise it is not worth living.

I have this impression (only recently) of some kind of "moving up". Maybe because finally this work for Abderhalden is taking on real shape, because I did it completely differently than I intended and only now recently have I gotten to the heart of the matter, so that I am doing it without the reluctance I had until now.

But if something could be done about "Sae Buiet(?)", I would be extremely happy. I would really like it to be done at last. It would immediately move me a mile forward. And I really need this!