Diary 1936-1942

See notes about this project and the translations on the Diaries home page. 

28.VII [July 28, 1936]

I read Zweig's "Die Heilung durch den Geist"[1] yesterday. It made a colossal impression on me. On the one hand, as proof of what people have been able to achieve (Baker-Eddy), and on the other: what a failure I am! I keep thinking about what exactly is causing me to fail at so many things, and I'm convinced that it's fear, always and everywhere only fear. A few days ago, I noted fear as one of the sources of social feelings – I'm convinced today that this is very true. From this, I can trace the source of a lack of authority – a lack of fear that is implanted – and this, in turn, comes from a lack of binding between character traits. I am a jelly, as Albert Willner said. The same Strammheit [toughness] that is necessary for a well-adjusted body is also necessary for the spirit. Only this Strammheit has an effect on others, as I discovered in Krakow some time ago. Despite all my efforts, I still can't muster the same sense of self-empowerment I had back then. That was 30 years ago.

I'd also love to write a decent piece of work that would finally give me a real name and a true brand as a psychologist.

Notes:

[1] “Mental Healers: Mesmer, Eddy and Freud” by Stefan Zweig.

3.VIII [August 3, 1936]

Julek's fate is being decided at this moment. He's about to get an excellent job. I pray to all the forces in the world, and to my mother, that they won't abandon him and that he will finally dig himself out of his misery. Perhaps this miracle will happen – like with Fela.

4. VIII [August 4, 1936]

Today Julek wrote that the company's decision has been postponed, but they're taking a smaller apartment – ​​two rooms! What does this mean for Lidia, what does it mean for Piotruś! The rock is rolling unstoppably downhill! What will this cost me in terms of my health?)[1] 

 Notes:

[1] Short lived optimism from the day before!

7. VIII [August 7, 1936]

Of course, nothing good is happening with Julek – supposedly there's no final answer yet, but the minister is scribbling something again: "I'm on the right track" – I'd like to add... to the madhouse.

When I read today about Hitler's reception during the Olympics and all the royal guests who were there, I was horrified by the lack of character in these people. "Schwedischer Kronprinz" – what a humiliation, if he's not ashamed! [1] 

One question: how can we make people better? How? In the past, they thought about rewards in heaven and the satisfaction of revenge: the other will be punished, he will go to hell. Now no one believes these tales. What can we do?

One thing still seems very important to me: ……………….. in man and his falsehoods will allow for decency. Because our cultural ideals are and will remain for a long time, but their realization at this stage is hypocritical. Question two: why doesn't a person have "aŭswirken" (as anger)? Why does he have to restrain himself? ………… gives him the right, ………..?

If we were so arranged that all evil Eigenschaften [“characteristics”] lead to Mißerfolgen [“failure”], then people would be decent from a rational perspective. But is that so?

Spinning Wheel: virtues were established by those who want to become strong, thereby defending their weakness. If I now cultivate these virtues, then I increase the strength of the strong one. Virtue benefits me nothing, only the other. Perhaps that's why people aren't virtuous… because it doesn't benefit them.

A strong spirit can say that it's not for its own good, but in the name of culture. What does culture matter to us?

There remains one more lifeline: the so-called …………….. …………….. something we consider great a) because it's rare, others don't have it, it can be boasted about like a painting; b) or to say, as Freud did: “Seit ……..deublichen zeufen nicht sich uber die menschkein der P….. der kulturentrichtung kein.” [2] 

 Notes:

[1] Seems there was a famous photograph of Hitler with Swedish Prince Gustaf Adolf (who was an Olympics participant) at a VIP affair on August 5.

[2] Haven’t tracked down the quote.

12. VIII [August 12, 1936]

Of course, Julek was not accepted there. I will have to keep sending him money. I wrote him, as Fela says, a “revolver letter.” But what will come of it? It would be good if he went to Poland and did something for that Geni Blan. But will he? As for Fela, she wrote to Rózia that she is unwell. What a fine family!

Simonettowa sent me a check!

14. VIII [August 14, 1936]

Yesterday there was quite a disgrace at that Bally’s! I was dressed like a cat. They ought to have utterly despised me, so inappropriately was I attired. And how much thought I had wasted on it! And how unnecessary it all was, how everything went for nothing! Where does the mistake lie? I act in secondary matters, not in the primary ones. I never think about what is needed first, what is more important, and it was the same when buying my wardrobe this summer. I didn’t buy the essential things, only the incidental ones—hence the main flaw in me. This is what one must think about.

My head aches badly. Still, no doubt, from that accident. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I had the feeling of nausea after riding in the car; in the evening I didn’t eat supper because of it.

When I received a card from Felka yesterday, I threw it straight into the toilet the moment I got it. Such disgust seized me.

16. VIII [August 16, 1936]

All evening yesterday and all day today, I've been doing nothing, dwelling on this matter with Julek. One moment I think I did the right thing by writing to him so openly, the next I think I should have spared him. And so it goes. And it's making my life so miserable.

Should Lydia have been invited or not?

17. VIII [August 17, 1936]

I received such a terrible letter from Julek this morning that I couldn't come to my senses until now, until 4 p.m., my heart was pounding so hard. The despair over this "despicable wretch" was so terrible that I couldn't cope. What will come of all this? It's literally killing me.

11 in the evening

Tr. took it upon himself to finance Julek. I feel lighter. Tr. is a good man—like an angel. I sometimes begin to adore him for his wonderful way with people and situations. I have a good feeling about Julek now, too.

18. VIII [August 18, 1936]

Today I carried out that coup d’état with Julek—I hope that this lesson will have an effect. And even today my heart still feels unwell. In spite of everything, I keep making mistakes: yesterday, that I talked too much with Ullman,  I didn’t write to Khn., etc. Always some mistake or another. Worst of all, lately I am doing nothing. My work, once begun, lies unfinished.

20. VIII [August 20, 1936]

From a distance I can sense that Julek is furious and will probably never in his life forgive me for my letter. At times I feel terribly sorry for him, and at other times I say: “Notwehr” (self-defense). Of course, I am a “harmonica,” as Tr. says; within me pity for him and disgust at such a mentality are constantly at war. It seems that with Madzia something bad has indeed happened. And so it goes round and round and round.

Yesterday a reply arrived from “Shenik”: it looks as though I will be able to accept their conditions. That would therefore settle the matter with those “Jews.” If only. Somehow, I felt a sense of calm yesterday when I thought about this work. I will wait then for the reply from Prague and decide depending on the “cheapness” of the printing.

21.8 [August 21, 1936]

I am torn by conflicting feelings because of Julek. Yes or no? Did I act rightly with Julek or not? Will it help him in his crisis, or not?

5 in the afternoon.
And still he has not written. But a curious thing—the few days of calm have allowed me to return to my work again.

And yet I could have done the same with less cost to myself. A pity I did not make use of Tr., to have him write those few words to him. It seems that “zucklers” are needed not only for business. Verschiebung der Affekte (displacement of emotions).

Yesterday I read through my novel. In fact, I had wanted to set it aside, but after reading what I had written so far, I had not the slightest desire to do so—on the contrary, I set to work on my “character ….. G…..schaft.”

22. VIII [August 22, 1936]

I worked a bit yesterday, and today my head hurts so much I can't do anything. Besides, I'm incredibly depressed about Julek.

I'm actually constantly blaming myself for not handling the matter with Julek well in Paris. I should have asked two questions:

To Lydia – what does she want me to do with Julek?

To Julek – what does he imagine our help will be?

I didn't do that – and it's backfiring. I should have also told myself to tell him my current plans and use them to show him his mistakes, not to talk about the past. He would have taken advantage of that. After… today, I thought to myself that this energetic tone was actually beneficial to him: this constant indulgence from Lidka and me didn't lead to anything – maybe now that he feels a more energetic hand, he'll feel better.

However, I should have managed my Paris mission better. These constant musings on one topic aren't helping my mood. I'm incredibly depressed. What will happen next? Will he perish or will he rise again?

28. VIII [August 28, 1936]

I was in Zurich on Tuesday and Wednesday. I went to…….interest Schocken in my Jewish business, to see the women. It was a terrible flop. I didn't get anything done. But the way it wasn't handled is terrible, and now I understand all too well my failures. When I saw how these women knew how to organize, I realize how much talent I lack. I can't, I can't, I can't. My hearing is a disaster. What good is it if I can't understand anything within a few steps? How can I get my bearings? I simply don't want to dig through the trash of my failures. One thing – this relief with Julek. He was killing me internally with those letters. Now he'll learn some respect.

31.8 [August 31, 1936]

I was at a meeting of these "naturforscher" [natural scientists] held at the SM. My ear is getting worse almost every day. Besides that, I've been making a lot of purely social and conversational mistakes. Why didn't I tell Ernstowa that her reading was good? Why did I tell Isenschmidowa that she was German when she insisted she was a democrat? In that sense, I could list a thousand things.

5.9 [September 5, 1936]

Schocken doesn't reply – phew, shocking!

Julek has made some kind of contract with Moroccan eggs – he might very well succeed. I wish he could earn a lot and show that... boor Soiffer that you can get by without them, and that they misjudged him.

I was in Bern yesterday for the Kurst-histor congress. Well, I made a few organizational mistakes again (I could have better planned my evening visit to the hall), I was carrying a trumpet, etc. The worst part, of course, was my ear. I was very angry with myself for being able to do so little. If only I could finally write some good work that would bring me a little money!!

I sent the manuscript to Phenix yesterday. I'm willing to go to any lengths to finally get this thing printed. The invaluable Simonett mentioned something about the English language. I hope it can be implemented and that I can finally earn some little money. This is really eating me up!

I'm simply terrified by my lack of talent – ​​if I can't write anything, I can't finish anything. This way, I can't get anywhere.

My soul is filled with dread. A feeling of utter loneliness. I can't maintain relationships with people. No one invites us, and it's awful. How can I get over this?

9.9 [September 9, 1936]

From Schocken it was a refusal. A disgusting feeling. Yesterday that Boden from Chicago was at our place. He said that Baley had told him that my book on lying was considered “classical.” Hm. I see that nowadays there is no other way to get one’s work published except by paying for it. What a fine state of affairs!

As for Julek — again I’ve had days when I reproached myself for not inviting him to us in the summer, but today I think that I must, above all, think of Tr. Once again there is the matter of the mortgage, and I am outraged at how Julek behaved with me in Warsaw some 18 years ago. Because he entangled me in an affair to which I would never have agreed had I actually known what it was about. And one wonders that this trickster never succeeds at anything! Life’s torment with him! 

14.9 [September 14, 1936]

Julek wrote that L. wants to leave him. Thank God. I was so happy about that! I don't know why, because it's true, and on the other hand, that she was clinging to him in some way, and now he might just fall apart completely. That's also possible! In any case, financially, this whole thing bothers me a bit. One person can't seem to get over it and doesn't need to shout about their responsibility for the child.

Interesting: he writes telling me not to worry, but I'm happy, as if it were a celebration for me. A nice act of kindness on his part.

These days, I've been thinking that all the help for Julek was just an extension of the agony.

16.9 [September 16, 1936]

Tomorrow we are going to Genoa, or rather St. Margherita. I should actually be glad, but deep down my soul feels terrible. I am simply tormenting myself over the fact that things are going so badly for this Julek. Constantly, without pause, I think about him. I reproach myself for not agreeing to his visit in the autumn, for not handling everything in Paris as well as I needed to, for him not coming to us in the summer.

But then again, since April he has received over 1000 francs from us; nothing with him has moved forward one bit, and on top of that Tr. goes about so crushed and quiet. How am I supposed to present such a guest in our home to him, so that our house won’t become utterly repulsive to him—a childless house, a deaf wife, and such a brother-in-law. I am simply ruining my own happiness. It’s a second edition of the situation with Mama.

That joy I felt at first, when I learned that Lidka wanted to leave him—vanished. It turned into despair, because when he loses that support, he will plunge completely into the abyss.

5.X [October 5, 1936]

Yesterday we returned from our holiday trip to Italy. I saw quite a bit of the world—but hardly any people. I was lonely, but the loneliness did not hurt me because of the fact itself, but because of Tr., who suffered greatly from it.

The stay was poisoned by: 1) the matter with Fela, 2) the fact that several times I did not behave as kindly toward people as I should have (the incident with the seller of the coral brooch; whenever I don’t act kindly, it always backfires on me), 3) the fear about my eye, which has worsened.

On the other hand, the matter of publishing Heimat und Schicksal has finally been settled, and it will be printed at the end of this year. Whew! May it bring me some money, and bring the Jews some honor, and a little less hatred against them.

7.X [October 7, 1936]

Yesterday I was at that Hegg's. Who can describe my terror when he told me his diagnosis! And what am I to do now? And what kind of life is this? And what awaits me?

I lay there like a log at night – and today I'm devastated inside. "I can stay like this for the rest of my life," says Tr., "but what remains stationary with me? All evil is always progressive."

And what will happen with the money for this purpose? Poor, poor Tr. I feel so sorry for him! This sword of Damocles over my head!

I've never feared anything so much in my life as evil eyes! I understand people who take their own lives after such a diagnosis.

I no longer want to live at all. Trŭbe, trŭbe, trŭbe. Now my teeth are bothering me again (also progressive!), and this unfortunate ear. We should really start thinking about how to relieve Tr. Today I voted – I don’t want to think about writing this damned novel anymore and let me keep my eyesight.

23.X.36  [October 23, 1936]

When today I received a letter from Julek again with the same “I have nothing for lunch,” “they cut off my gas,” I was simply seized by a kind of disgust. I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling of repulsion, as if I wanted to push something vile away—away, away, far from him.

Not the slightest pity for such a conceited idiot. Only this longing to be far, far away from him.

A hundred things I still don’t do as I should. Why did I speak to Tr. today about Fela? I know he doesn’t like it, and I don’t have ……… that subtbekenschŭng…[ Selbstbeherrschung (self-control)?] 

27.X.36  [October 27, 1936]

I'm somehow completely incapable of working, I can't do anything – and I'm ashamed, terribly ashamed in front of others that I'm accomplishing nothing.

I think I was doing some kind of Milchrechnung [Milchrechnung metaphorically it can mean a “naive calculation” or “childish reckoning.”] with this Jewish thing. The lack of a response from Phenix after paying 400 fr is telling. This deeply depressed me.

And most of all, I'm completely incapable of coming up with anything of my own – my own theory, my own conviction – Nothing! My career looks great – there's no point.

29.X.36  [October 29, 1936]

I can't get over my worries. It seems I've gotten into a terrible mess with this Phenix. 400 francs from that Simonett seem to have vanished like nothing. And what further unpleasantness will come of this, only God knows.

Julek was writing another letter. It seems it's almost the end of everything. What can I do about it? I absolutely can't work. I've been doing nothing all day and coming up with nothing.

The last few days have been difficult for Tr. Fortunately, this article arrived in his Classics. Yesterday he had an attack of rheumatism.

I woke up today feeling dizzy. Nice Zettel! And what else is to come!

7 p.m.

Phenix - Beday called. I spent 50 ch on marks unnecessarily. And my mood was low! And I wrote Julek a completely unpleasant letter – damn his spiritual wounds. The worst part is that I can't get up to work. My brain is completely drained. It's been a while since I've had such a stuffy head. What happens now?

2 November  [1936]

Werner Wrett was here for 2–3 days, and I am crushed by this visit. Not only by the force of youth that he possesses, in which I see my own nothingness, my lack of scientific and practical ability, but also by that dreadful side of competition—even intellectual competition.

And when he left, I thought to myself: none of my colleagues will come here to visit me again anytime soon—Jews, for example—and with ………. the relationship is entirely different: easier for me. And I also feel how rooted I already am in this one place, how shifting elsewhere would be uncertain, and would reduce me to nothing.

And all the while, a dreadful feeling gnaws at me about Julek—that I should have brought him here. Why did I not do it earlier? Last year, or in the summer—now it becomes more and more difficult. At times I feel as though I am in a strange house, not my own.
Above all—desperately—that pain in my eye!

7.XI  [November 7, 1936]

This evening, this awful conversation with Tr., about how he feels so bad, how he feels so bad about himself...

I'm completely numb. Our entire family is clinging to this man. With him, everything will come crashing down on us.

12.XI  [November 12, 1936]

Tr. was in a bad mood yesterday when I went to the Polish Legation. Was stient du nich so an? [dialect, “Why are you staring at me like that?]

Hegg admitted that the eye has gotten a little worse. He noticed it already in 1932! In general, I am inwardly completely as if frozen—everything has turned to ice, but at the same time has also become indifferent. I accept everything as if it simply had to be. With Julek I reproach myself for not treating him more gently in Paris. Poor, poor man, although it was all his own fault.

What can one achieve with a mood like mine? That Bachcki also didn’t reply to my request to speak with him. Neither Rudolf nor he—charming, isn’t it? And what kind of life plan is possible now? With so, so many failures!

15.XI  [November 15, 1936]

This morning I woke up and suddenly my mind cleared: that whole subject “Charakter und Gesellschaft” suddenly lay before me as if in the palm of my hand. Perhaps at last I will manage to write this work, perhaps the most important of all. If only I could finally get down to it properly. It had paralyzed all my work in general. For the first time I would be starting a piece of work where I know everything in advance.

No news from Julek. How many heavy sighs I send his way! If only I could already earn something with a short story, with some kind of novel!

17.XI  [November 17, 1936]

The other day that Gagg was at our place. She undoubtedly made an impression on Tr. again, though strangely, I felt nothing at all about his attitude toward her. I forced myself to see this visit through to the end—what will come of it? Of this “granzŭgzekeit” of mine in this regard? He said that he cannot get this woman out of his head, how she has changed, that she is so lifeless—“das Haar so kraftlos” [her hair so powerless]. Is this truly an expression of his state of mind? The future will show.

Yesterday, after that Rosly Sekw. left—when I heard so poorly—it weighed terribly on my soul. I truly saw no other way out for myself than to abandon the house, to hide away somewhere far from everyone. The whole matter with my eye and ears looked tragic. I searched for Tr.’s gaze, then went upstairs to my room. I sat here for 3 hours, then went back down smiling as if nothing had happened; later I “entertained” Tr. with stories about various things and put him in a good mood—and life once again looked different.

So it is clear that one must hold life firmly in one’s grasp.

18.XI  [November 18, 1936]

And today was a completely different day – I'm consumed with fear for Julek, who must be in a terrible situation. And worst of all – my own incompetence! Reading my collapse about Menschenkenntein, I'm overcome with shame. I can't do the reading, and I can't organize absolutely anything. There are piles of smeared paper – but nothing is actually done; nothing is ready for printing, and what's ready never gets printed. And I'm a brute. I can't, I can't do this Sekluntendem. So what can I be? I don't have a penny to my name from all this.

22.XI  [November 22, 1936]

I was at Vogt's yesterday with my eye – he seemed to calm me down a bit, but actually, it was something else. What a silly dream I had all night long afterward. Ridiculous. But if it came true, it would be a fairy tale – a reunion of academics. Maybe it went better than I thought. You have to use people. Nur…

25.XI  [November 25, 1936]

Tears are choking me. I feel them in my throat. This treatment I've received these past few days is simply awful. When I went to Zurich, I felt something inside me thaw out after long, long hours, and something like good humor came over me again. It's heavy, heavy, this hand rests on me, spooning nourishment.

27.XI  [November 27, 1936]

Birthdays... the years roll by... No change for the better. Financially, it's a mess. This thing with Phenix isn't progressing – it's the only way to make money.

Tr., of course, forgot my birthday. Nice, huh? Quite by accident, I received some flowers from Mr. Lesseli yesterday. Christosen [Christmas roses]... They're sitting nicely on my desk.

28.XI  [November 28, 1936]

Tr. was very kind again yesterday, and everything has become clearer to me again. It's strange how dependent I am on his mood. Besides that, however, my misery remains. That vile Verlag Phenix, having received my money, mocks me and doesn't dream of printing this thing. I find it incredibly difficult to work. Nothing more comes out of my head. The lecture for Radio cost me ………… new efforts, and I have few listeners: Menschenkenntein is one-third of what it was three years ago. I can't earn anything: I have a crazy shortage that I don't know how to fill. And these difficult problems: Julek and Rózia's hopeless condition. There's something to keep my head full of – and that eye!

1.XII  [December 1, 1936]

Yesterday I lost 20 francs – today the maid told me off. I walk around with this feeling as if something bad had happened, as if I were dying, maybe as if Julek or Rózia, or all of us were dying together. And to top it all off, there's this radio lecture that I'm completely failing at. I have this feeling of inferiority that I'm failing at nothing, that I'm wasting time, that I can't do anything. What am I supposed to do, what am I supposed to do?

7.XII  [December 7, 1936]

This whole Mrs. Simpson thing made a huge impression on me.[1] A woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get things done. What am I? Buying a few shirts is a disaster for me. I don't have a little money. I have a real ………….. that nothing works out.

But I have to get back to my own business. Shame, shame overwhelms me.

Vogt wrote me back ………. and "Ur Vogt" in his own handwriting.

Notes:

[1] Fascinating that Wallis Simpson and Edward VII’s abdication should make any impression on her! At least my mother was living in England, when she wrote about it to her mother.

12.XII  [December 12, 1936]

This love affair with the King of England shook me to the core. That a woman could be so loved! That there could even be such a woman who lived her life so well, that there were still men who knew how to love, and that love existed at all!

Julek's letters are killing me morally. I've been moping with him all day. Yesterday I tore up a letter I'd started several times; you have to write to him carefully so as not to hurt him.

Rich people don't need to feel pity or worry. They give money, and that's it. I'm more tormented by the awareness of my powerlessness to give than by his condition. What would he care about if I could give him thousands?

And this inability to earn money! I have piles of paper lying around, piles of things I've written, and nothing, nothing, nothing comes of it all. What am I supposed to do to earn money? And now this matter of this print run and this faux pas with this letter, in which I don't threaten a lawyer. In general, tears were coming to my eyes all day long – bitter tears.

15.XII  [December 15, 1936]

I went to a concert with Hub yesterday and went to his clothes shop. He received me well, although my manner of speaking was flawed. However, I made a big mistake by going with Tr. to his place – by then he was completely ignoring me and Tr., which affected us both deeply. I didn't know how to behave properly at all – for example, I didn't offer him a meeting with me today, Tuesday, which could have easily been done, etc. I'm very awkward socially. I made a big faux pas with him yesterday – I'm incorrigible.

I received a letter from Nic. yesterday. He's alive and in a high position.

19.XII  [December 19, 1936]

That Baumgartner wrote to me today that he's accepting this thing about "Jugendliche und Berŭf" for publication. It seems like three years have passed since I wrote it, and it's been in so many publishers! Finally! I'm really happy about it. If only it weren't like with that vile Phenix.

I felt so bad, but today I feel a little better – knowing that things are moving forward.

And now the genesis of this "success":

I was in Neuchâtel at a convention.

a) I learned there that this printer was making concessions, and it occurred to me whether I should try him…

b) I also had that happy conversation with Jŭsher there – I reconciled with him, and this is the result, because he was Jubachter and recommended this work.

Is this called coincidence, or is it skill?

21.XII  [December 21, 1936]

Glory, glory to God! Today they sent me back my entire Heimat und Schicksal corrected. Phew! I breathed a sigh of relief that I don’t have to conduct a lawsuit with them. Perhaps at last I will have a little money for poor Rózia!

21.XII  [December 21, 1936]

Glory, glory to God! Today they sent me back my entire Heimat und Schicksal corrected. Phew! I breathed a sigh of relief that I don’t have to conduct a lawsuit with them. Perhaps at last I will have a little money for poor Rózia!

28.XII  [December 28, 1936]

I feel great satisfaction in having completed the revision of this "Heimat und Schicksal." [1] So there are prospects of realizing those "Kŭkuer" dreams of earning money! How I wish I could finally somehow determine Rózia's fate, so that she could finally be a human being. And how I wish I had a few spare pennies for us, so that Tr. would be in a better mood! I wish his Zeitschrift could exist for this money, and that he wouldn't have to go around with his eternal resentment.

As a psychologist, I simply wonder how successful such a thing will actually be. Sometimes I think it will be torn apart by Jews and non-Jews – at least that's what it is. I dream of 25,000-30,000!! Isn't that presumptuous?

Hauptmann's "Die Weber" [2] has sold 210,000 copies, not including translations. Why shouldn't I dream of a tenth of that?

10:30PM

How distraught I am over his condition! He comes in the evening so beaten, so tired, so apathetic, so taciturn. He clutches his head in his hands that I really don't know what to do, what to say. Everything freezes on my lips – I remain silent and sit with two stumme Juhlen. How can I get him going again? I invite people everywhere, I feel so sorry for myself, but it doesn't help much. I'd like to help him with his mood!

 Notes:

[1] Don’t know what this is. If it is a play (as suggested by her reference to Hauptmann below, it is not listed in her archives.

 [2] Known in English as “The Weavers”, the most important drama by Gerhart Hauptmann.

31.XII  [December 31, 1936]

I've had a good feeling since yesterday. I don't know why.

11:30 at night: For the first time since I've been in Sol (13 winters!), we went out on New Year's Eve – to the cinema to see Anna Karenina – Gr. Garbo. [1] 

The year is ending. Balance sheet?

Health – average

Marital affairs? – changes here

Academically? – no progress

Publishing house? – two bombs : a) Home and School

b) Lehringe

We'll see the result of these "bombs" next year. Hopefully, for happiness – for my family, my husband, and myself. I'd like some love.

Notes:

[1] 1935 MGM adaptation.

10 at night [Janaury 1, 1937]

And Tr. felt the bitterness of loneliness during these New Year holidays, because today he mentioned to me again to take the child home. And again I felt sad in my soul because of the emptiness in my soul and outside of us.

Because of Kwiak Langnerowa: why didn't she address it to her husband, and N. addressed the telegram to me? I tell about how Kamelia is supposed to be a pink dot in this fog: why didn't she say it herself? …… …. die ….. zwischen nur …. der au…… - How poor he is!!

2/I [January 2, 1937]

Tr. is coughing. He is in a bad mood, and I am so helpless! I cannot brighten his moments, and above all my bad hearing prevents me from hearing him and having conversations with him.

His life is more important than mine. I should stand completely in the shadows, so that he can develop, so that he can be happy. How poor, unhappy he is, my heart breaks.

I feel sick in my soul.

3/I [January 3, 1937]

I went to bed earlier yesterday. I listened to Tr.'s snoring like the most beautiful music! Poor, poor man! I have to do everything to make him feel as good as possible. The worst thing is this loneliness - that we finally find some better company - people close to us...

I have the impression that I have matured psychologically and that I can now express my various views.

5/I [January 5, 1937]

It's interesting that I'm thinking a lot about what I'll do when I'm rich. Wealth, its possibility, has somehow moved into the sphere of proximity of some kind. I wonder if it will work. I'm thinking about buying various things, about trips, making Tr. happy by getting rid of the debt and paying it off. ………...etc. In the meantime, however, this Ikeux has not sent any corrections. Until that happens, it's not possible for any earnings ………..

8/I [January 8, 1937]

60 copies of "Ck.s ch.bzl" were sold after this article Amste... in the Bund. How I wish it had sold a few thousand copies! I am terribly glad that the copies were sold at all!

This joy interferes with work, I see that one cannot be too joyful!

13/I [January 13, 1937]

I have convinced myself once again that I am not able to work systematically every day. When one day I am very busy with some power, I am not able to get down to it the next day. This is undoubtedly the phenomenon of der "sattisung". But this sattisung, or rather ubersattisung,[1] is probably also because a person does not finish at the right time. I can …… ……… work one day and then do nothing for 5 days.

I cannot express at all how sorry I am for Julka.[2] I do not know what to do for him…

Actually, when we talk about someone's or someone else's ……… it is a certain "participatern", taking part in this thing. I do not know whether admitting guilt does not at the same time mean our participation, we are involved in it; it is perhaps also a certain Eitelkart.[or Eitelkeit?]

For this novella to finally come out and with it some money to come. I am again impossibly squeezed.[?]

Notes:

[1] “satiation” and “oversatiation” or “oversaturation”

[2] Presumably, Julek.

17/I [January 17, 1937]

I am terribly upset—this evening Tr. again started saying that he won’t last much longer… He saw that he had distressed me terribly and began to explain that he has been saying that for years, but still I cannot calm down, all the more so because today that ………… came to us.

20/I [January 20, 1937]

Tr. birthday... Yesterday evening again this horrible conversation about "sich schonen". I cried for a long time. Sleepless night. In the morning I congratulated him, he stayed in bed for 15 minutes longer. I couldn't speak, I was choking on tears. What will I suffer because of his Erstellung. How much strength I use to adjust to him and relieve him!

11 o'clock in the afternoon

I can't calm down - I still have tears in my eyes, they choke my throat. However, I think I have to overcome myself and be calm, although what does it cost me. Completely ………. grave. Horrible, horrible. And how can I work, concentrate?

21/I [January 21, 1937]

When I was at Monday's lecture by Zbu.... I Gr I couldn't hear at all, ... I had the impression that the world had become a pantomime for me.

4/II [February 4, 1937]

Now, when the corrections are coming and so much money has already been invested, now I have great doubts whether I should have made them at all, for the sake of Tr., for myself, for the Jonases[1]. I feel very, very sick in my soul... So much risk in these times, will it pay off? I will try to soften what I can, but still? There will be too much left.

It is unfortunate that I can never speak openly with Tr. I never know what the motives are for his aversion to publication. One thing is important - publishing neutral, scientific things - awareness too late.

This impulsiveness of mine has often caused unpleasant experiences - I should absolutely wean myself off it. I cannot restrain myself at all: yesterday, for example, in front of that Rangwer, I spoke so rudely several times. I did not let her talk like that, but I talked myself. What a chatterbox I am!! disgusting. I can't, I can't improve from my mistakes!

Notes:

[1] At this time her niece, Janine Jonas, had finished her schooling in England, and had not yet started university in Geneva, so would have been with her parents in Berlin.

8/II [February 8, 1937]

My nervousness is beyond belief. I am very worried that I have let myself be carried away by this novel. Such a sword of Damocles is not for our nerves and our situation.

And now this money matter. They keep wanting something from me. Now this Rózia with these trifles, Felka with... and so on and so forth. I refuse myself a blouse for 4.65, but I send her books that cost more, creams, letters, etc. I am simply nervous about these trifles.

I see my future today in the darkest colors. This ear of mine! How ashamed Lusky is today! And so on and so forth. What will happen next?

15/II [February 15, 1937]

I had such a small lecture yesterday with these students. Few people came, although the discussion was great. Kathenjammer stayed.

I want to improve more and more, but I still don't manage. Something always seems to come out of the bag.

Today this unpleasantness with this goldsmith. I decided that if I ever had some spare money (if I earned some money from my "works" I would absolutely order 2 silver goblets for someone like Bachtler and Buchmann at Wyrs's, to show him how to behave towards the public.

However, I don't have this "Klebestoff" - Büchler wrote today, that this little bravado doesn't spread. So few people show up for my lecture, and now such a separate fact with this problem makes me think. What is inside me?

1/III [March 1, 1937]

We were in Adelboden[1]. from 19 to 26. It was nice, but the boarding house was full of slops. I didn't know how to approach one of those women with that fabulous girl properly. I don't know how to behave at all.

This month I became more energetic towards Julek and sent him only 50 fr. My heart ached for him in Adelboden, today I am indifferent. In general, I go up and down with my feelings. After dinner I had a good feeling, now it's worse again, etc.

I talked to Tr. about this Jewish novella. The fact is that I have spiritually outgrown it, that it doesn't interest me any more. It's strange - just as I was yelling for months ago to finally have this thing printed, I have not only become indifferent, but I would even gladly withdraw from this affair. Because only now do I think about what consequences it might have for me. One becomes practical and more cautious. Influence of Tr!

Notes:

[1] A village in Switzerland.

13/III [March 13, 1937]

Again yesterday such a terrible conversation with Tr. He has no more reserves of life - he says - and he thinks that he should lead it this way until the end. He does not tell me everything about himself, but I can see the whole tragedy of the future without words. What to do? I am completely crushed. How hard my life is!

I am now working on this survey about midwives. For the first time, I can probably not mentally occupy myself with anything else - not even write a letter - when I am concentrated on this topic. I wonder. Why is that? Maybe it is just a desire to hurry? Or maybe it is just the influence of that faintly appeared …...ad from a few days ago?

14/III [March 14, 1937]

Thank God that Tr. has had some success lately and was in a better mood yesterday and – I feel a little better in my soul with this awareness, although I don’t know why, I still walk around with bad premonitions.

I thought again today about the content of her “Heimal u. Schichsal – Man …… mir der arbeit”. But spiritually. Actually, I have grown out of all this. I have become convinced that hatred leads nowhere. “Wende dich ab nur …. Benerei”. That’s all.

I would like to know what the future will be like. I have never wanted it, but now I do. I don’t know why. To know, maybe to be certain that this ……….. can work out.

18/III [March 18, 1937]

Yesterday, they printed my little article in the "Bund" about "……………...". I have to admit that I did it very skillfully, that is, I sent it at the right time. It was a good "combination".

This expression reminded me of Julek, who, for a change, is getting divorced. I can't say that the fact that L.[1]  is leaving the family was pleasant to me. But maybe it will be better for him!

In the meantime, yesterday I got terribly irritated by all this, by his megalomania, because again he has "great" prospects - the whole psychological issue is more important than the material side - he doesn't let anyone live in peace and he literally murders me. I already feel sorry for him, I would beat him up for his recklessness, although maybe it's just an illness. I simply want to have more joy in life, and each letter from him pushes me away from the possibility of some kind of joy. This man is a psychological monster, he doesn't understand people that much. It would be extraordinary if he could ever get out of this situation

Notes:

[1] Lydia Baumgarten nee Lowenstein.

22/III [March 22, 1937]

Yesterday I spoke with Tr. again about this Heimal at Schichsal's. In spite of everything he advises to print it, with which I do not yet entirely agree.

But another thing: yesterday I was seized by a terrible regret that at one time I did not give F. my drama to Moura in Geneva[1] . It would have been staged as if nothing had happened and my life would have been absolutely different. Now everything is lost!

Various issues are up for discussion: psychologically because of this thing done. First of all I can even harm such a Schlesniger – in general things I did not think about at all: kauseg…..Deuhen!

Notes:

[1] She wrote about a drama in 1932; not sure what she is referencing.

30/III [March 30, 1937]

Yesterday was another awful evening of chatter – pouring from empty to empty. I am actually to blame for this, because I should have invited that little doctor at least, but this forcing people to come to us is already making me sick. I can no longer see anything before me, sometimes only despair.

3/IV [April 3, 1937]

Br br br br

This is the feeling I have now. Deep disgust for the character of my sister Fela... What a "scab" she is, as we can say in jargon - most likely she is a stupid, disgusting person. If only people would finally learn to think logically! There is no way to convince this little doctor that she is wrong. The fact that she, having such capital, could have been taking money from me for years is disgusting to me - I can no longer overcome this disgust in myself.

An egoist to the highest degree, she only talks about how selfish others are to her. Today I am disinheriting her from everything. The day before yesterday she wrote me a letter, as if I had been buying silver for myself without her knowledge, as if I had caused Rózia and M. not to write to her.

She has a complete persecution mania. It will end just as badly as with Julek, who, by the way, hasn't replied to my money express for a week.

9/IV [April 9, 1937]

Yesterday I was with Tr. in Trachselwald at Midli Bähler's all day. Tr. was an expert in the court case for this little criminal. I had the opportunity to observe this little girl. What did this poor child do that fate created her like this? Nature is cruel. We saw her after that on the train - at the station I bought her 2 bars of chocolate - this little girl burst into tears. And that's what you call a "criminal".

We had a good day with Tr. - I had a very nice time with this good Milli - Tr. had a lot of success in court - and very well-deserved. He speaks brilliantly - and so sensibly. They respect him greatly. So we had a very nice feeling - I call it "Lebensgefühl". And at the same time you have a feeling of gratitude, as if you wanted to do something good for someone. Błachowski will print Charakter u Ch….. - in Polish (Bravo!) I print “…………” without a fee - Hurray… if only this “Lekrlinge” comes out as soon as possible – I can’t wait! If only my siblings are doing well!!

13/IV [April 13, 1937]

My eyesight is getting worse, my teeth are cruel and my nervousness is awful. Poor maid. I simply can't keep my cool.

Porter sent me an article about "Telephonieren". At first he seemed to like it, now after a year he's back. Nice economy.

There's so much talk about kaufmainische ……… Why isn't there talk about Lebensrechnung? Or sociale ………? Is it worth reproaching someone?

30/IV [April 30, 1937]

Janka and Madzia's stay last week.[1] Now this terrible lack of humor Tr. - I am completely crushed by this and my bad hearing. And this poor eye of mine. Inside I feel like a Lazarus.

However, I feel that the most important thing is Tr.'s humor - I am completely crushed by his "alien" behavior.

Notes:

[1] No insight into visit from her sister and niece; no diary entries for the prior week. Given following entry, this must have been when Janka was being taken to Geneva. 

11/V [May 11, 1937]

Madzia was here again for a week on her way back. There was one quarrel. She left a strong bad taste in her mouth. She is very practical. Clever. She has her charm. But is she better than Fela? Because basically I am disgusted with everyone.

I am stunned by this visit and everything is spinning in my head. I could not do anything[r1]  for almost the entire 10 days because of it. Nus, Volldampf[1] now.

Notes:

[1] “full steam ahead”.

13/V [May 13, 1937]

Madzia gave me a hard time with this Janka – I had a terrible night because of it. She is supposed to come – she is not. How can I protect her from all accidents? This Janka's proximity, which I was so happy about, is becoming a nightmare. A person is infected with all evil. I am not infected with health, but with disease.

14/V [May 14, 1937]

She received Hudencki's book on character testing - I was mentioned there many times. Nice advertisement for me.

17/V [May 17, 1937]

Today marks 13 years since I got married[1] . Tr. of course forgot about the date, but when I congratulated him in general, he immediately remembered, later he came, congratulated me and gave me 20 fr. It was very nice of him.

Bählerowa gave me a 4-leaf clover she found in front of the house[2]  . An hour later the post brought me a copy of my Lekreinge – so Tr.'s happiness and decent behaviour is also relatively happy.

Notes:

[1] First thing I have found showing the date of their marriage.

[2] Which she pasted onto the page in the diary.

19/V [May 19, 1937]

Janka was here. This stay ended in such a terrible dissonance and I am so sorry. The atmosphere was charged to the point of impossibility.

I reproach myself a lot – as always after the delay. I don’t know how, I don’t know how to use myself with people. I didn’t know how to behave properly. I didn’t stand the role. This young girl showed more tact than I did. I started a notebook of mistakes – but what good will it do? The source of misfortune is in me – this poor hearing and lack of love.

21/V [May 21, 1937]

Julek finally made a deal! Nur – my sacrifice must have paid off. Villa nu cote d’Azure, as he writes. Du Himmel …….. Touller Geigen. [1]

I was in Zurich yesterday. I visited Maidla G. Oberkoher. She has a divine apartment and a beautiful boy. But compared to her I am a beauty. What a physical ruin!

However, out of all my colleagues, she is the only one academically so far. Also a record.

Notes:

[1] h Heaven .. full of violins

27/V [May 27, 1937]

I spoke terribly at the lecture today. What a shame. I just want to howl with shame.

29/V [May 29, 1937]

On Friday, the 28th, the car accident of Tr. I had experienced enough when I received the call. Thank God, better. I think there will be no complications. I am writing this on the page where Klacklatt is stuck! Can this illness have any good outcome? The accident happened just before the day we were supposed to go to Münsingen, I had made myself some beautiful dresses, I was happy that everything would be so nice and elegant, meanwhile... everything has become a mess.

Questions arise: If I had called Tr. about this Edith, asking her to stay with us, would he have left in that car a few minutes later and the accident would not have happened?

And why didn't I call? I didn't want to have this other unpleasant girl with me, or I didn't want to satisfy this wish for a child - and besides, what held me back the most was that Tr. said that the girls should see each other as soon as possible. So it was as if I was listening to Tr., that I didn't want to bother him with this issue.

After all, how I torture myself with this "if". You can't do that. Now this child has left for Paris - what if it stayed here and would be sad with longing? So what? Maybe it's better for the child that it returned to its mother.

And at night, without closing my eyes, I only thought about why, why is there so much anger in me? And I came to the conclusion that this is a reaction to the lack that I feel in myself. Well, okay, but you can react to this lack in various ways: with anger, resignation, understanding, etc., and my reaction is therefore wrong. So I decided to hold on.

And ……….. came to my mind: ………….. what does it mean in ……….. how do you react to it.

10/VI [June 10, 1937]

Today there were 3 people at the lecture + 2 zaungäste[1] . So they don't like my lecture. What to do? What to do?

Notes:

[1] “onlookers” – audioras?

14/VI [June 14, 1937]

Br… Br… Br… How many mistakes are made every day. The eloquence with the maid, the speeches with Julek. And this terrible loss of hearing. The question of the hearing aid is becoming urgent. And I am discouraged with myself.

17/VI [June 17, 1937]

I had a "black day" today with my lectures. No one came to my lecture. I don't think that's ever happened to anyone before. I was incredibly depressed. A sign that my lectures are not liked.

There's no way to improve, because I think I should say what I say, but apparently I'm saying it wrong.

20/VI [June 20, 1937]

It struck me yesterday, like a thunderbolt, when Tr. said what a dangerous symptom Rafał's leg was.[1] Poor, poor man, if only it were so! What will happen next? The further, the worse. What will happen to us next? What a terrible facade, our whole life. As I recall, my blood runs cold in my veins. Is such a terrible thing really possible with him? Unthinkable!

Notes:

[1] Presumably, her brother-in-law, Rafal Jonas. However, I know nothing about any leg issues.

28.VI [June 28, 1937]

My work isn't selling. Despite glowing reviews, Bŭckler sold seven copies in two months. Francke has stopped corresponding with me because the book isn't selling at all. What should I do? My name means nothing to the public.

Drukocki was here yesterday. He told Tr. that Buqeleisen speaks of me with admiration and that it's an honor to be introduced to me. Read above!

5.VII [July 5, 1937]

Winterthur. A terrible night. A terrible day. I don't feel like writing about anything. How can I change my character? How can I bring about change? How can I be kind to people?

12.VII [July 12, 1937]

The maid is leaving. I'm racking my brain, wondering why these quarrels are breaking out again, why I can't make myself useful to people.

Aronowska was here yesterday. She knows how to talk to people. She told me a few words about how she deals with the maids: she demands little, perhaps that's the key to all these quarrels. You don't have to demand much.

To live means to give, to give, to give endlessly!

14.VII [July 14, 1937]

How spiritually exhausted I am from living with people! Today, I had this conversation with the maid – she claims I'm not aimable – but if she treated me badly, no, that's fine. I think the seamstress was also offended (I blurted out a word that might have offended her, that one girl said she didn't want to take money, like a waitress) – but what can I do – I always, always run into someone, and as a result – it's a shame, I have more enemies than I deserve. I think Bursztyn pinned it on me, saying about Toundury that he "laist kainen neben sich gelsen." I'm talking about poor Julek, and the same thing happens to me. I feel very unhappy about it, because all my efforts in this direction are to no avail.

16.VII [July 16, 1937]

Today, while reading Pieron,[1]  the thought came to me that I had been searching for so desperately for the congress in Prague—that psychology can serve as objective evidence for all racial “предрассудки” [prejudices]. What can be done—wise Pole after the damage.

Yesterday, only one Jacobi came to my last lecture. However, at the “exam” lecture, five people showed up!

Notes:

[1] Louis Charles Henri Piéron, a French psychologist, one of the founders of scientific psychology. Chaired the 11th Congress (see August 2).

17.VII [July 17, 1937]

I feel terribly, terribly bad when I look at how terribly bad Tr. looks. I just want to cry. How unreal life seems to me. As if I were outside of life itself.

Janka is here. What a delightful young creature! How will her life turn out? How I always fear for her!

2.VIII [August 2, 1937]

I came from Paris – from the congress.[1]  My main feeling – dissatisfaction. I made many mistakes – on the other hand, there were also many failures. I will take stock firsthand.

1. I didn't notify Dagma either – I couldn't participate – in writing or orally about my arrival – I couldn't participate in this invitation to a biotypological evening.

2. I didn't prepare an interesting paper – I couldn't interest other people in it, for example, on critical vision.

3. I didn't listen to Meyerson – so I didn't have a presidium at the congress.

4. I never participated in the discussions – so, je ne comptais pas.

There were probably other mistakes as well. However, it is undeniable that this congress demonstrated how little recognition I had from Pieron and his clique. They didn't give me a good lecture slot, didn't invite me to any important conferences, didn't accept me as a member of the Psychological Society, even though they hired Autipoff, Baley, etc., who certainly didn't work harder than me, …………… they didn't invite me to their reception where the "Pronimenten" were present. In short, I think the congress humiliated me greatly. I was also very depressed. I see that nothing will help me; I'm not liked by people there, and they don't evaluate my merits. However, I must admit that my constant "muteness" at congresses doesn't make a pleasant or impressive impression. I can't speak (of course, hearing plays a major role here).

Positive results of the congress.

1. I learned some new scientific methods.

2. Improved relations – with Pinquet, Antipoff, meeting a few people, resolving disputes with Zbrams and Kužera;

3. Evt. - traveling to the Netherlands to give lectures (via Bigiel)

4. Job posting about Ferry (via kahor).

5. Invitation from Michotte, thus enabling the creation of the Psychology and Behavioral Sciences.

6. Better relationship with Tramer[2] 

7. My furniture was used with Beige

8. Possibility of selling tests in America (Maller)

9. Dagma's words convinced me that I look so bad, that there are things in my appearance that present me in a bad light, hence the opportunity to improve. I'm absolutely harming myself by doing so.

Perhaps one balance will even out the other.

Notes:

[1] The 11th International Congress of Psychology, delayed a year from Madrid, and last one before WWII. See this on politics and the Congress.

 [2] Unclear, but he may have been there, too, as the First International Congress on Infantile Psychiatry appears to have run concurrently in Paris.

16.VIII [August 16, 1937]

Only now, almost three weeks after the congress, did it occur to me that I could have spoken up in the discussion with Pear – I shouldn't have been afraid to speak French. It was a risk, but an ear?

In general, when I think of Paris – it was a lost institution, my behavior there was that of an idiot. I'm very concerned about Janet's non-invitation; I don't know if, for example, they wrote to the hotel and I didn't receive their letter. In short, it was a complete mess. Something good could have happened if they had invited me to lecture in the Netherlands, but will it actually happen? A failed, unsuccessful trip.

I have the impression that Dagma actually made a faux pas with that invitation; she should have sent it to Sol – or asked when I would arrive. After all, it was "Biodypoloyn" – an evening not planned at the last minute?

It breaks my heart to think about it all. Everything was poorly planned for me.

19.VIII [August 19, 1937]

I gave Rafał[1]   this book, "Heimat und Schicksal," to read. He ridiculed it in the most awful way. The result was, "What a waste of 600 francs for that Simonett." He would have put it down immediately after five pages. Interestingly, Jani [Janka?] thought those first two chapters were good. So... even though Rafał is very pessimistic, etc., such a judgment is absolutely decisive in not promising this book the slightest success. I see how poor my literary skills are. Should I really not publish this book, but release it into the world anyway?

That maid thing again. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know how to deal with people.

Notes:

[1] Presumably, her brother-in-law Rafal Jonas.

27.VIII [August 27, 1937]

I managed to go to Zurich[1]  – I was on that Youth Alijah. I met Rabbi Ehrenpreis[2]   – I saw how graceful that Marchioness Reading[3]  is. I had a lot of impressions.

But on the other hand, I also realized how inappropriate I still am:

a) with people

b) with myself, in the matter of clothes, or rather, shopping.

As for people, I'm starting to improve a bit, because I'm realizing how off-putting cold people are. I always have to find a philosophical basis for certain behaviors. I often don't understand this search for cheaper things in my own home. And I have to change that. After all, I want "Qualitahsachen" – so I want less – so.

Notes:

[1] Presumably, in connection with the 20th World Zionist Congress, held in Zurich in August 1937.

[2] Presumably, Mordecai Ehrenpreis, chief rabbi of Stockholm.      

[3] Presumably, Eva Violet Mond Isaacs, Second Marchioness of Reading.

4.IX [September 4, 1937]

Rafał was only here for half a day again. He'd lost even more weight, though he'd gained a tan. My soul felt terribly heavy after he left. I don't know why. And perhaps his open way of speaking opened my eyes to how empty our house was and how much it needed rejuvenation and refreshment. I need to address this issue at Aseon.

7.IX [September 7, 1937]

Yesterday we visited Sagg. She made a great impression on Tr. Indeed, that image upon leaving: children in colorful sweaters playing on the grass in the sun was charming. He left there deeply impressed – I was in many ways overwhelmed. But strangely enough, when I left, a great wave of "eine Trohes" surged within me. Well, I won't give in. Some force entered me, and this force surged like something that spurred me on. I won't give in. Somehow I felt my own worth. A strange, strange feeling. I see what "Troh" means.

8.IX [September 8, 1937]

I had a fight with the maid today, and I was wrong. I can't, I can't change my nature. I always lash out unnecessarily in a fit of anger. If only I could restrain myself! How wonderful it would be! I can't express myself. And that's the real misfortune!

Friendliness, friendship, friendship!!

Now, let's praise others!!

14.X [October 14, 1937]

In the meantime, there was Ascona – with some eye problems, but everything passed, so to speak. But after arriving, hell broke loose. My teeth – some kind of inflammation – had to have a tooth extracted, which I'm afraid of. But the worst thing is my ear. I can't hear well anymore; in fact, it's getting worse by the week. I'm incredibly distraught over my condition and think with terrible trepidation about my future. So many expenses await me, and what income? What will become of me? I feel terribly sorry for Tr. Terrible, terrible! Poor man. It's so hard to bear your fate!

19.X [October 19, 1937]

I had a disgusting day today. Aside from the tooth extraction, which was a real pain in the ass, I received a letter from Julek, which unsettled me again. That man will die miserably.

Then I literally did nothing all day after lunch. It's embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing – comparing myself to Tr. disgusts me.

25.X [October 25, 1937]

Everything in me is rattled to pieces. Yesterday I simply thought I would go mad. Janka was here. And she already has her own misfortunes, conflicts—Julek wrote—I was shattered. He will surely go under. He will not pull himself out again.

And I? Constant new illnesses. New misfortunes. An ulcer on ……….. Good thing it isn’t ………… Some kind of pain in the groin. Always something new. My hearing is disappearing completely. A tragedy with getting a hearing aid and the lack of money!

30.X [October 30, 1937]

Yesterday, I had my first lecture of the semester. Six students, out of... five in the lecture. It's atrocious. It doesn't change the fact that two or three more will show up. It's a disaster; this shouldn't have happened.

It's a sign that I failed, that I didn't make the most of this thing. To take Bükler and me. What a monstrosity! I should have actually learned the lessons from all this, and if it weren't for those Zurysians! I'd have ruined something I could have made something great out of.

1.XI [November 1, 1937]

I had a disgusting night. My ear was buzzing. I didn’t know what to do. I cursed all the doctors.

I am impossibly bored. I don’t know myself what to do with myself. Since Berlin (I had it for some time, in 1923) I have not been bored in this way.

3.XI [November 3, 1937]

Yesterday's conversation with Tr. was probably one of the most decisive in my life. In any case, I was and am very impressed by it. His reluctance to go with him to the Congress – his desire to leave Sol, to somewhere completely empty – all of this is symptomatic. His wish for me to get a professorship in America, etc., etc. He always feels, despite everything, overlooked, outdone by everyone. These Minderwertigkeitsgefühl [feelings of inferiority] seem to be insurmountable.

I feel incredibly sick. Materially, physically, morally.

4.XI [November 4, 1937]

Spearmann will print this article about Ch.erg. I'm very happy. Finally. I'm in a slightly better mood because of this and yesterday's visit to the "Bund" editorial office, where they accepted my stories.[1]  Finally, maybe something will come of me.

My ears are a little less buzzing.

Notes:

[1] Have to see if there were earlier mentions of Der Bund, but she does have articles printed there over the years.

5.XI [November 5, 1937]

Another letter from dear Julek asking for money. Tr. had a large audience yesterday, which on the one hand made me very happy, but on the other hand, it proved that my incompetence had brought about a lecture disaster. Tr. was still in a bad mood. His second good tooth had started to loosen terribly. How can he endure all this?

7.XI [November 7, 1937]

I had a few more listeners yesterday. Maybe everything will go well this semester. Today in "Bund" they published the story about bread[1]  and that fairy tale,[2] plus a report from "Jugendliche."[3] Maybe  it will be for the best.

I haven't sent Julek any money yet. For the first time in my life, I've refused him, and I don't feel guilty. I have to save Tr. – and after all, that's the only thing that will do him any good if he doesn't rely on me.

It's strange that I've always had a simple urge to send him money, but not at all this time. Maybe because………. L. earns, and he's also made some money. And I'm in terrible debt because of him. I wonder if that feeling was justified.

I finished my paper today about…….. Something's pushing me to finish things now… Old age!

Tr. wanted to go to Z. alone. So I'm alone – it's nice today, but it's awful to be alone!

 Notes:

[1] Signed T.B.F. See here.

[2] The November 7 issue has a fairy tale, but signed “Lea” so can’t be sure it is hers.

[3] See "Meine wackere Mutter" (“My Brave Mother”).