Diary 1936-1942

See notes about this project and the translations on the Diaries home page. 

10 at night [Janaury 1, 1937]

And Tr. felt the bitterness of loneliness during these New Year holidays, because today he mentioned to me again to take the child home. And again I felt sad in my soul because of the emptiness in my soul and outside of us.

Because of Kwiak Langnerowa: why didn't she address it to her husband, and N. addressed the telegram to me? I tell about how Kamelia is supposed to be a pink dot in this fog: why didn't she say it herself? …… …. die ….. zwischen nur …. der au…… - How poor he is!!

2/I [January 2, 1937]

Tr. is coughing. He is in a bad mood, and I am so helpless! I cannot brighten his moments, and above all my bad hearing prevents me from hearing him and having conversations with him.

His life is more important than mine. I should stand completely in the shadows, so that he can develop, so that he can be happy. How poor, unhappy he is, my heart breaks.

I feel sick in my soul.

3/I [January 3, 1937]

I went to bed earlier yesterday. I listened to Tr.'s snoring like the most beautiful music! Poor, poor man! I have to do everything to make him feel as good as possible. The worst thing is this loneliness - that we finally find some better company - people close to us...

I have the impression that I have matured psychologically and that I can now express my various views.

5/I [January 5, 1937]

It's interesting that I'm thinking a lot about what I'll do when I'm rich. Wealth, its possibility, has somehow moved into the sphere of proximity of some kind. I wonder if it will work. I'm thinking about buying various things, about trips, making Tr. happy by getting rid of the debt and paying it off. ………...etc. In the meantime, however, this Ikeux has not sent any corrections. Until that happens, it's not possible for any earnings ………..

8/I [January 8, 1937]

60 copies of "Ck.s ch.bzl" were sold after this article Amste... in the Bund. How I wish it had sold a few thousand copies! I am terribly glad that the copies were sold at all!

This joy interferes with work, I see that one cannot be too joyful!

13/I [January 13, 1937]

I have convinced myself once again that I am not able to work systematically every day. When one day I am very busy with some power, I am not able to get down to it the next day. This is undoubtedly the phenomenon of der "sattisung". But this sattisung, or rather ubersattisung,[1] is probably also because a person does not finish at the right time. I can …… ……… work one day and then do nothing for 5 days.

I cannot express at all how sorry I am for Julka.[2] I do not know what to do for him…

Actually, when we talk about someone's or someone else's ……… it is a certain "participatern", taking part in this thing. I do not know whether admitting guilt does not at the same time mean our participation, we are involved in it; it is perhaps also a certain Eitelkart.[or Eitelkeit?]

For this novella to finally come out and with it some money to come. I am again impossibly squeezed.[?]

Notes:

[1] “satiation” and “oversatiation” or “oversaturation”

[2] Presumably, Julek.

17/I [January 17, 1937]

I'm extremely nervous - Tr. started saying again tonight that he'll be pregnant soon... He saw that he was extremely worried and started explaining that he's been saying that for years, but I still can't calm down, especially since this …………... came to visit us today.

20/I [January 20, 1937]

Tr. birthday... Yesterday evening again this horrible conversation about "sich schonen". I cried for a long time. Sleepless night. In the morning I congratulated him, he stayed in bed for 15 minutes longer. I couldn't speak, I was choking on tears. What will I suffer because of his Erstellung. How much strength I use to adjust to him and relieve him!

11 o'clock in the afternoon

I can't calm down - I still have tears in my eyes, they choke my throat. However, I think I have to overcome myself and be calm, although what does it cost me. Completely ………. grave. Horrible, horrible. And how can I work, concentrate?

21/I [January 21, 1937]

When I was at Monday's lecture by Zbu.... I Gr I couldn't hear at all, ... I had the impression that the world had become a pantomime for me.

4/II [February 4, 1937]

Now, when the corrections are coming and so much money has already been invested, now I have great doubts whether I should have made them at all, for the sake of Tr., for myself, for the Jonases[1]. I feel very, very sick in my soul... So much risk in these times, will it pay off? I will try to soften what I can, but still? There will be too much left.

It is unfortunate that I can never speak openly with Tr. I never know what the motives are for his aversion to publication. One thing is important - publishing neutral, scientific things - awareness too late.

This impulsiveness of mine has often caused unpleasant experiences - I should absolutely wean myself off it. I cannot restrain myself at all: yesterday, for example, in front of that Rangwer, I spoke so rudely several times. I did not let her talk like that, but I talked myself. What a chatterbox I am!! disgusting. I can't, I can't improve from my mistakes!

Notes:

[1] At this time her niece, Janine Jonas, had finished her schooling in England, and had not yet started university in Geneva, so would have been with her parents in Berlin.

8/II [February 8, 1937]

My nervousness is beyond belief. I am very worried that I have let myself be carried away by this novel. Such a sword of Damocles is not for our nerves and our situation.

And now this money matter. They keep wanting something from me. Now this Rózia with these trifles, Felka with... and so on and so forth. I refuse myself a blouse for 4.65, but I send her books that cost more, creams, letters, etc. I am simply nervous about these trifles.

I see my future today in the darkest colors. This ear of mine! How ashamed Lusky is today! And so on and so forth. What will happen next?

15/II [February 15, 1937]

I had such a small lecture yesterday with these students. Few people came, although the discussion was great. Kathenjammer stayed.

I want to improve more and more, but I still don't manage. Something always seems to come out of the bag.

Today this unpleasantness with this goldsmith. I decided that if I ever had some spare money (if I earned some money from my "works" I would absolutely order 2 silver goblets for someone like Bachtler and Buchmann at Wyrs's, to show him how to behave towards the public.

However, I don't have this "Klebestoff" - Büchler wrote today, that this little bravado doesn't spread. So few people show up for my lecture, and now such a separate fact with this problem makes me think. What is inside me?

1/III [March 1, 1937]

We were in Adelboden[1]. from 19 to 26. It was nice, but the boarding house was full of slops. I didn't know how to approach one of those women with that fabulous girl properly. I don't know how to behave at all.

This month I became more energetic towards Julek and sent him only 50 fr. My heart ached for him in Adelboden, today I am indifferent. In general, I go up and down with my feelings. After dinner I had a good feeling, now it's worse again, etc.

I talked to Tr. about this Jewish novella. The fact is that I have spiritually outgrown it, that it doesn't interest me any more. It's strange - just as I was yelling for months ago to finally have this thing printed, I have not only become indifferent, but I would even gladly withdraw from this affair. Because only now do I think about what consequences it might have for me. One becomes practical and more cautious. Influence of Tr!

Notes:

[1] A village in Switzerland.

13/III [March 13, 1937]

Again yesterday such a terrible conversation with Tr. He has no more reserves of life - he says - and he thinks that he should lead it this way until the end. He does not tell me everything about himself, but I can see the whole tragedy of the future without words. What to do? I am completely crushed. How hard my life is!

I am now working on this survey about midwives. For the first time, I can probably not mentally occupy myself with anything else - not even write a letter - when I am concentrated on this topic. I wonder. Why is that? Maybe it is just a desire to hurry? Or maybe it is just the influence of that faintly appeared …...ad from a few days ago?

14/III [March 14, 1937]

Thank God that Tr. has had some success lately and was in a better mood yesterday and – I feel a little better in my soul with this awareness, although I don’t know why, I still walk around with bad premonitions.

I thought again today about the content of her “Heimal u. Schichsal – Man …… mir der arbeit”. But spiritually. Actually, I have grown out of all this. I have become convinced that hatred leads nowhere. “Wende dich ab nur …. Benerei”. That’s all.

I would like to know what the future will be like. I have never wanted it, but now I do. I don’t know why. To know, maybe to be certain that this ……….. can work out.

18/III [March 18, 1937]

Yesterday, they printed my little article in the "Bund" about "……………...". I have to admit that I did it very skillfully, that is, I sent it at the right time. It was a good "combination".

This expression reminded me of Julek, who, for a change, is getting divorced. I can't say that the fact that L.[1]  is leaving the family was pleasant to me. But maybe it will be better for him!

In the meantime, yesterday I got terribly irritated by all this, by his megalomania, because again he has "great" prospects - the whole psychological issue is more important than the material side - he doesn't let anyone live in peace and he literally murders me. I already feel sorry for him, I would beat him up for his recklessness, although maybe it's just an illness. I simply want to have more joy in life, and each letter from him pushes me away from the possibility of some kind of joy. This man is a psychological monster, he doesn't understand people that much. It would be extraordinary if he could ever get out of this situation

Notes:

[1] Lydia Baumgarten nee Lowenstein.

22/III [March 22, 1937]

Yesterday I spoke with Tr. again about this Heimal at Schichsal's. In spite of everything he advises to print it, with which I do not yet entirely agree.

But another thing: yesterday I was seized by a terrible regret that at one time I did not give F. my drama to Moura in Geneva[1] . It would have been staged as if nothing had happened and my life would have been absolutely different. Now everything is lost!

Various issues are up for discussion: psychologically because of this thing done. First of all I can even harm such a Schlesniger – in general things I did not think about at all: kauseg…..Deuhen!

Notes:

[1] She wrote about a drama in 1932; not sure what she is referencing.

30/III [March 30, 1937]

Yesterday was another awful evening of chatter – pouring from empty to empty. I am actually to blame for this, because I should have invited that little doctor at least, but this forcing people to come to us is already making me sick. I can no longer see anything before me, sometimes only despair.

3/IV [April 3, 1937]

Br br br br

This is the feeling I have now. Deep disgust for the character of my sister Fela... What a "scab" she is, as we can say in jargon - most likely she is a stupid, disgusting person. If only people would finally learn to think logically! There is no way to convince this little doctor that she is wrong. The fact that she, having such capital, could have been taking money from me for years is disgusting to me - I can no longer overcome this disgust in myself.

An egoist to the highest degree, she only talks about how selfish others are to her. Today I am disinheriting her from everything. The day before yesterday she wrote me a letter, as if I had been buying silver for myself without her knowledge, as if I had caused Rózia and M. not to write to her.

She has a complete persecution mania. It will end just as badly as with Julek, who, by the way, hasn't replied to my money express for a week.

9/IV [April 9, 1937]

Yesterday I was with Tr. in Trachselwald at Midli Bähler's all day. Tr. was an expert in the court case for this little criminal. I had the opportunity to observe this little girl. What did this poor child do that fate created her like this? Nature is cruel. We saw her after that on the train - at the station I bought her 2 bars of chocolate - this little girl burst into tears. And that's what you call a "criminal".

We had a good day with Tr. - I had a very nice time with this good Milli - Tr. had a lot of success in court - and very well-deserved. He speaks brilliantly - and so sensibly. They respect him greatly. So we had a very nice feeling - I call it "Lebensgefühl". And at the same time you have a feeling of gratitude, as if you wanted to do something good for someone. Błachowski will print Charakter u Ch….. - in Polish (Bravo!) I print “…………” without a fee - Hurray… if only this “Lekrlinge” comes out as soon as possible – I can’t wait! If only my siblings are doing well!!

13/IV [April 13, 1937]

My eyesight is getting worse, my teeth are cruel and my nervousness is awful. Poor maid. I simply can't keep my cool.

Porter sent me an article about "Telephonieren". At first he seemed to like it, now after a year he's back. Nice economy.

There's so much talk about kaufmainische ……… Why isn't there talk about Lebensrechnung? Or sociale ………? Is it worth reproaching someone?

30/IV [April 30, 1937]

Janka and Madzia's stay last week.[1] Now this terrible lack of humor Tr. - I am completely crushed by this and my bad hearing. And this poor eye of mine. Inside I feel like a Lazarus.

However, I feel that the most important thing is Tr.'s humor - I am completely crushed by his "alien" behavior.

Notes:

[1] No insight into visit from her sister and niece; no diary entries for the prior week. Given following entry, this must have been when Janka was being taken to Geneva. 

11/V [May 11, 1937]

Madzia was here again for a week on her way back. There was one quarrel. She left a strong bad taste in her mouth. She is very practical. Clever. She has her charm. But is she better than Fela? Because basically I am disgusted with everyone.

I am stunned by this visit and everything is spinning in my head. I could not do anything[r1]  for almost the entire 10 days because of it. Nus, Volldampf[1] now.

Notes:

[1] “full steam ahead”.

13/V [May 13, 1937]

Madzia gave me a hard time with this Janka – I had a terrible night because of it. She is supposed to come – she is not. How can I protect her from all accidents? This Janka's proximity, which I was so happy about, is becoming a nightmare. A person is infected with all evil. I am not infected with health, but with disease.

14/V [May 14, 1937]

She received Hudencki's book on character testing - I was mentioned there many times. Nice advertisement for me.

17/V [May 17, 1937]

Today marks 13 years since I got married[1] . Tr. of course forgot about the date, but when I congratulated him in general, he immediately remembered, later he came, congratulated me and gave me 20 fr. It was very nice of him.

Bählerowa gave me a 4-leaf clover she found in front of the house[2]  . An hour later the post brought me a copy of my Lekreinge – so Tr.'s happiness and decent behaviour is also relatively happy.

Notes:

[1] First thing I have found showing the date of their marriage.

[2] Which she pasted onto the page in the diary.

19/V [May 19, 1937]

Janka was there. This stay ended in such a terrible dissonance and I am so sorry. The atmosphere was charged to the point of impossibility.

I reproach myself a lot – as always after the delay. I don’t know how, I don’t know how to use myself with people. I didn’t know how to behave properly. I didn’t stand the role. This little one stood more tact than I did. I started a notebook of mistakes – but what good will it do? The source of misfortune is in me – this poor hearing and lack of love.

21/V [May 21, 1937]

Julek finally made a deal! Nur – my sacrifice must have paid off. Villa nu cote d’Azure, as he writes. Du Himmel …….. Touller Geigen[1] .

I was in Zurich yesterday. I visited Maidla G. Oberkoher. She has a divine apartment and a beautiful boy. But compared to her I am a beauty. What a physical ruin!

However, out of all my colleagues, she is the only one academically so far. Also a record.

Notes:

[1] h Heaven .. full of violins

27/V [May 27, 1937]

I spoke terribly at the lecture today. What a shame. I just want to howl with shame.

29/V [May 29, 1937]

On Friday, the 28th, the car accident of Tr. I had experienced enough when I received the call. Thank God, better. I think there will be no complications. I am writing this on the page where Klacklatt is stuck! Can this illness have any good outcome? The accident happened just before the day we were supposed to go to Münsingen, I had made myself some beautiful dresses, I was happy that everything would be so nice and elegant, meanwhile... everything has become a mess.

Questions arise: If I had called Tr. about this Edith, asking her to stay with us, would he have left in that car a few minutes later and the accident would not have happened?

And why didn't I call? I didn't want to have this other unpleasant girl with me, or I didn't want to satisfy this wish for a child - and besides, what held me back the most was that Tr. said that the girls should see each other as soon as possible. So it was as if I was listening to Tr., that I didn't want to bother him with this issue.

After all, how I torture myself with this "if". You can't do that. Now this child has left for Paris - what if it stayed here and would be sad with longing? So what? Maybe it's better for the child that it returned to its mother.

And at night, without closing my eyes, I only thought about why, why is there so much anger in me? And I came to the conclusion that this is a reaction to the lack that I feel in myself. Well, okay, but you can react to this lack in various ways: with anger, resignation, understanding, etc., and my reaction is therefore wrong. So I decided to hold on.

And ……….. came to my mind: ………….. what does it mean in ……….. how do you react to it.

10/VI [June 10, 1937]

Today there were 3 people at the lecture + 2 zaungäste[1] . So they don't like my lecture. What to do? What to do?

Notes:

[1] “onlookers” – audioras?

14/VI [June 14, 1937]

Br… Br… Br… How many mistakes are made every day. The eloquence with the maid, the speeches with Julek. And this terrible loss of hearing. The question of the hearing aid is becoming urgent. And I am discouraged with myself.

17/VI [June 17, 1937]

I had a "black day" today with my lectures. No one came to my lecture. I don't think that's ever happened to anyone before. I was incredibly depressed. A sign that my lectures are not liked.

There's no way to improve, because I think I should say what I say, but apparently I'm saying it wrong.

20/VI [June 20, 1937]

It struck me yesterday, like a thunderbolt, when Tr. said what a dangerous symptom Rafał's leg was.[1] Poor, poor man, if only it were so! What will happen next? The further, the worse. What will happen to us next? What a terrible facade, our whole life. As I recall, my blood runs cold in my veins. Is such a terrible thing really possible with him? Unthinkable!

Notes:

[1] Presumably, her brother-in-law, Rafal Jonas. However, I know nothing about any leg issues.