Diary 1919-1920

9.4.[19]20

I was thinking today how many little mean things and nasty things that F. did. He showed me the bedroom furniture, for example—how cruel it was, if he already had someone else in mind!

Yesterday I sat down again for a few hours to work on the drama—it's almost finished. I think now that with the same cruelty—cold, merciless in its sense of necessity—as he married, so I prepare my drama with the same ruthlessness. This winter I was dying from the pain of this event; next winter—he will be moaning and gnashing his teeth. I wrote this drama with blood and in pain—I revise it with calm—as if it were no longer mine, but a complete stranger!

Among my desires is the desire for inner peace—I am increasingly indifferent to people now and no longer care about them. It seems that the greatest feeling within me of all is contempt.

I sent my tired fairy tales to the Berlin Tageblut. If they accept it for me – then I will go for this ……… - otherwise – again for a long time ………… And that would be a pity.

19.4.[19]20

One unpleasant thing remains of F.: when, for example, a man smiles at me, when he's being nice to me, I immediately think – oh, F. smiled at me like that too, was nice too, and nothing came of it. There's a certain contempt for worldly things and a lack of importance to anything. That's the unpleasant thing.

It's interesting that I can't imagine him telling another woman anything, that after he confessed everything to me, he can't be so intimate with any other woman. Meanwhile, he can't imagine now (if he loves his lady) that he could be so honest and confessive towards me.

I think a lot about Hilf., what kind of person he is. I think there are many noble things about him.

25.5.[19]20

It's strange that the moment I decided to completely disregard the world, not even wealth, and be his—then... he doesn't seem to care about me. It's that eternal misfortune. I don't care about the world at all now, but circumstances don't allow me to disregard it at all.

I was at Dora's yesterday—they were talking about F. I really regretted not talking to her at all, but what can I do? I know it might have unpleasant consequences. Soil (Soit?). Today I wrote again about my drama, we'll see. 

Wednesday 26.5.[19]20

The woman's heart is broken.

Literally, I'm getting worse every day, and the thought of F. doesn't leave me for a moment. Apparently, and because no one has replaced him. Last year, I remember it well and it's written in my diary, I didn't think about him for a single moment. If I had even two days like the ones I've been experiencing since his marriage, I would have been with him long ago. Now, of course, my path is closed. But what a tragedy! This is …………... that's destroying me. I'm morally ruined. I don't feel like doing anything, and I can't imagine my spiritual rebirth.

His wife once wrote to his publisher: …….. ist …... jeder nufraien Handkug fak…. - but he is capable of many good things at the same time, and I didn't bring them out of him. Compared to many men I now see and meet, he is a kind of exceptionally good man. If I had more self-dignity, many things would be different. I've often reproached myself for not doing enough work on the Committee, etc.

One thing is important now: I often wonder about my relationship with people, about social hypocrisy, etc. I've asked myself why this hypocrisy exists. I haven't been able to find an answer yet, but it seems I have one today:

A person (almost everyone) is made up of flaws and virtues and is capable of manifesting these flaws and virtues at any moment, that is, being good or bad. The art of being around people lies in the ability to bring out the good and suppress the bad.

I think this ethic has instinctively sensed this. If we compliment people, by saying something pleasant, we evoke in them a good disposition, good feelings for us. When we say something unpleasant to them, we evoke these unpleasant feelings. When we are helpful, tactful, and kind, we are mostly met with gratitude, courtesy, and so on. When we don't say anything bad (we don't gossip, either). When we don't talk about ourselves, we don't praise ourselves—we don't provoke envy in others, for example, or bad feelings. People like modest people because it fosters their self-esteem.

Flattery evokes good feelings for the speaker, although it is also detrimental to the flattered. But whoever only cares about evoking good feelings for themselves, of course, doesn't care.

In the name of inciting only good feelings, one must not say anything bad about others. But... what's the point of righteous indignation and noble protests, etc.? Perhaps only because this principle has been violated. Where the principle of evoking good feelings is violated, one should be outraged.

Pushkin " „И долго буду тем любезен я народу,

Что чувства добрые я лирой пробуждал .” [1]

To stir up good feelings! That's why the war was so terrible, and that's why the persecution of any person is disgusting (but there are persecutions of exploiters, because they provoke bad feelings with their exploitation).

In any case, in a person's personal life, one should remember: Halte die Beastie! [2]

Notes:

[1] An oft-translated poem. Dylan Thomas translated these lines as “In centuries to come I shall be loved by the people
For having awakened noble thoughts with my lyre,”

[2] Something like “keep the beast within”, but I haven’t found the source.

28.5.[19]20

It's strange how I still remember this F. This morning I woke up with a vivid memory of some scene from the time of his "love," and so on.

Fortunately, a card arrived from Rózia informing me that an article about this [rackist?] had been reprinted in an American newspaper, then in a Swiss one. So it was translated into several languages, including Danish. A triumph, by the way.

May other projects somehow succeed! I've started working in the laboratory on a project I started at Wrenner's, then at Külbe's. Maybe now something will come of it.

6.6.[19]20

I've managed to understand a lot of things in the world, but not myself. Actually, one thing remains a mystery to me: my relationship with people.

When I'm in company, I seem to be the most sociable person, but inviting someone over, hosting someone is simply torture. Perhaps there's a childhood complex at work here, when every guest evoked fear that they would notice something amiss in the rooms—later, I was embarrassed to host because of my mother's interference—now because of this bed in my room. And it will continue like this. There will always be something missing. I'll never have what I naturally desire, my own home with a reception room, where everyone will be treated as I desire.

But I think a bad dancer's apron hinders the fact that I could still host all sorts of people.

That's one thing. And the other is this unpredictability, this doing everything, especially spending time without any plan, without any thought. I could really spend these Sundays differently, but meanwhile, I see absolutely nothing, I don't spend time with anyone – in short, a complete social fiasco.

So I can't blame Hilf at all. Thernigowa has the same social sphere as him: she's married, lives freely, has been through several relationships, is pretty, and very kind to him. Things are going great. Why should he think of me, who has none of the above advantages? Why establish such an uncomfortable relationship? Last year, when she was busy with Niewlai, well, that was one thing, but now? I think of him with a certain serious calm – as a loss. He won't call, even now, after the 6th, and if I do, he'll have some excuse. Why bother with him? Shake it off, that's all.

It is what it is – and I've matured a lot through this whole negative relationship, after all. I was recently prepared to live with him on faith, to ignore anything and anyone, to live at least with him in those two rooms, to work for him... well... fate won't accept this sacrifice from me. Except that now, thinking about him, I feel no pain—nothing. I don't even feel the urge to call him. That's the only good thing.

So now the question is, what to do next? Poland flashed before my eyes several times. Going back there? Horrible. Again, adapting to new conditions, I don't know if they're better... Maybe I need this trip a little academically—but will it give me what I want? This………. ……ylation—………how I dread it!

It seems to me that the summer has flown by without me… I feel so incredibly bad. I feel like I need to think, I need to construct some kind of plan for a new………life.

I've read my diary from my spring acquaintance with Hil, and I'm convinced that, when it finally unraveled, ………… ……………. the situation. Dealing with him was a whole series of mistakes ………….. and ………… actually, spiritually, she's only just grown up with him today.

I have a feeling I might learn something about him soon, that he's marrying, for example, Thuring.

I've just resolved not to mention the name of any of my friends in the future, even to Rózia or Julek – the disappointment hurts very much later.

Interesting. I was so distraught that I didn't do anything scientifically. This winter, however, psychoanalysis did a bit for me, pushing me to work in the laboratory, the chess player gave me a contract – now I'll take this "Sinfuklug" test – and this characterology will be something new. If "Children's Reaction to Beretrung" and "Talentwolle Kinder" are published, there will be something after all.

Although I will only consider this work on thinking to be scientific.

In Anatole Frame: La virginité est plus difficile à prouver qu'à garder. / L'ile de …… 103

7.6.[19]20

Last evening I spent a lot of time thinking about how I should act and what I should do – today, during my internship, I learned what theory and practice mean.

I was at Simon's bank at 2:00 PM. Simon's wife arrived, joined me, talked for a few minutes, and then went to her husband's branch. I thought to myself, "They're probably going to dinner with Hilf." After a few minutes, I heard a voice at the door, like Hilf's. I deliberately peeked out, and it was indeed him. He came to me, greeted me, asked what I was doing, and told me to wait for him. He repeated this twice. Anyone else would have waited, gone to dinner with him, but I, of course, didn't. I left immediately – though I did turn around later and saw them later at the corner.

That's not the point, although of course, having such an opportunity to be together is already a great thing. But I noticed this terrible embarrassment I felt inside, both towards Simon's wife and towards Hilf. I simply couldn't imagine what I would be saying to him... He seemed very self-conscious too, not looking at me at all as he spoke... Only after I'd already traveled a good distance on the tram did I somehow breathe a sigh of relief and feel lighter.

So what can I do with myself? Develop social freedom? Reinvent myself every day? When the decisive moment arrives – versage them. So what will come of all this?

11.6.[19]20

I called him – at the wrong moment. Supposedly about the book. He woke up. He has a sore throat. I responded horribly, for example, I said he'd be fine, which he must have felt very painfully – simply as a tactlessness.

I've felt the whole last few days that this was the end; I saw so clearly that there was simply nothing more to be done about it.

I've messed this whole thing up with him. Perhaps my life would be better with him than without him.

Thering will take the place I so recklessly rejected last year. She's like his dream mistress. I don't offer him the slightest interest as a woman. He probably thinks I'm an old maid chasing a man.

A cross. With a heavy heart. I'm crying right now, but I've never seen so clearly how I lose people because of my shortcomings.

For example, I keep moaning about my lack of relationships, meanwhile:

When Hirsch asked, I didn't go. I made an appointment with Simon – I didn't go.

I didn't go to Ni……, the Revees didn't call Kleinmanowa, I promised, I didn't invite her to my place, etc. And this is how I end up breaking up with people. I recently spent all night thinking about how it's been like for me since childhood, how the same personality trait ruined my life in Krakow and Zurich, and later after my doctorate, and I want to start fighting this personality trait. I have to overcome it!

I thought a bit this morning, anyway, I was very worried – then, strangely enough, I felt a little lighter. Intellectually, this whole affair with him wasn't the brightest idea: I'm not talking about the material aspect, but I simply don't know what it would be like technically. Thering has the advantage of always being in his company – either he might get very used to her, or, thanks to the fact that she couldn't keep Thering and Nicolai close, it will end in failure with him, though I doubt it. It's possible that all their external conditions are right (which I sincerely wish him), but she won't suit him physically at all – that's important too! But never mind that.

I don't feel any more bitterness – even after dinner, I felt strangely light. I know myself well enough to know that the time will probably come again when I'll deeply regret him, but now I think to myself, my hands are untied, and I can look back with a clear conscience at someone else. In fact, if you believe my feelings, I'm happy and light, as if I'd been relieved of a burden.

I made a million little mistakes with him. The worst was that 1) when he gave me an ultimatum, that instead of dragging things out a bit – she immediately said, "No, then no." 2) When I returned from Switzerland, I made the worst bunch of mistakes – not with the gift, not joining Thering's company then, etc. – I've also sinned more than once recently. But for now, it would definitely be better for me to get married well now, and as quickly as possible. I wonder if this lightheartedness is because something new and good might happen to me?

13.6.[19]20 (Sunday)

I feel this phone conversation similarly to the one with Minkowski, after which I said to myself: "Cross. I won't call Hilf again. C'est fini. It's my fault, of course."

I spoke with Barchan yesterday. She told me that in some people (scientists, artists), the instinct for life is exhausted in their profession. Maybe that's right, maybe my instinct for life is exhausted in a completely different direction and won't last. I've noticed that I have far less of this instinct now than I did before, perhaps precisely because I put more of it into my scientific endeavors? Perhaps because you only have a limited fraction of it? Perhaps you should be sparing with it, limiting yourself to matters of life?

But it would anger me if only a tiny fraction of this instinct actually existed. I'm very sad about H., but I think maybe I shouldn't take this so tragically, but move on... In some ways, the impossibility of marrying him wouldn't change my difficult current situation. As Liebku said, marriage is marriage. So, I should keep my head down and do what's right. I still have the image of a spider spinning and unspinning its threads.

Shapiro also said it well yesterday: if we think after a while that it was lucky for us, that it happened this way and not otherwise, that doesn't prove it was actually lucky, but that we overcame it. And that's true. I overcame F., but I don't think it would have been a misfortune if I had married him. On the contrary, I would have gotten much more out of life during that time.

On this Barchan, I realized one thing: that a woman's failure to marry isn't entirely dependent on any of her professions, circumstances, etc. It's a certain inherent characteristic. After all, there are artists, scientists (Curie) and doctors who quickly and happily married, and vice versa: there are spinsters among seamstresses in bourgeois homes par excellence, etc. This is a certain lack of the instinct for life, which is attributed to various other, very obvious causes.

I am unspeakably sad. I have the feeling that something decisive will happen to me soon. It has to be, because otherwise – the best kind of suicide. I only admire my own stupidity – and I am surprised that there are so few books that teach people reason.

Perhaps the biggest mistake is the lack of this cause cudivite; I start a story without seeing it through to the end.

I would have thought it would be worth marrying K……. to have H. as a lover. Now I know that such a thing cannot exist. Neither one nor the other.

21.6.[19]20

I've noticed one change in myself: before, when I did something bad to myself, I could worry; now that I know I'm the cause, I keep quiet. What Janka Otner once told me, that she never worries about something bad she's done to herself, is only now beginning to manifest itself in me – when I've seen – especially recently – all my helplessness. This is proof that I've moved from my "will to achieve anything" stance to a more modest "...marrying reality."

I spend my Sundays terribly badly. Lately, I've been to the theater repeatedly. And on June 6th, I could have spent it wonderfully at the Club. Well, what if, due to my incompetence, I didn't invite people over – and Simon didn't let me know. What a shame, a real shame.

I simply don't know what will happen next? I'm often distraught by the emotional emptiness of my life. What will happen, and who will?

Today was Hirsz. The slightest movement on my part would drive him crazy. I would extinguish the flames of his lust (I expressed myself poetically!) and, looking at him, I would say to myself: no, a thousand times no, I prefer nothing.

One of the problems I would really like to address, in fact, the one I would most like to address, is the brake problem.

26.6.[19]20

I'm blaming myself for Rózia. I'm increasingly under the impression that I've ruined her life, if not her life, then at least the last year. My trip to Switzerland last year was a disaster – for me and for her. If I'd left two weeks earlier – on July 1st, as I should have, everything would have been different. Rózia and I wouldn't have had this catastrophe, and I would have been a thousand times better off. My stupid little head!

I spend time with the dog (socially). I'm even disgusted with studying. I used to have the impression that Mrs. Reukstein, after the loss of her son, for whom she was terribly grieving, didn't love her other children at all. Having lost Hilf for now, I feel absolutely nothing for studying – actually, I feel anger, a grudge against her. I don't know how I'll ever accomplish all my grand academic plans if I'm in this mood, in this state of mind, as I am now.

It's interesting that there's a sort of Absperrung towards him. An interesting feeling – as if he'd moved away a thousand miles. I wouldn't be able to call him, it seems I wouldn't have to speak to him – is it absolutely over – or is there any possibility of any "resurrection" of feelings? I doubt it. Some extraordinary event would have to come to the rescue.

My article about this has been reprinted so many times. I'm not at all happy about it. I couldn't have imagined it would go so well.

Now I'm doing experiments on Nicolai. It seems that this psychological work will only give me real and deserved, at least basic, recognition.

9.7.[19]20

Yesterday I saw Count Kessler for the first time in his company. "Wie haben gemeinsam eine Vergangen seit." What good is that? If only we had a present together. And he's a man I could really like—I could adapt to him so perfectly.

My friends have been talking about Fuchs a lot lately. Shoblowa told me that when she found out about his marriage, she was "auf den Kopf geschlagen." And they were so happy that I was going to be his wife (!) I told her that it was the happiest day of my life when I found out, etc. But how I felt! Lindhagen also asked about him, etc. If it weren't for that man's stupidity, we would have been fine. But oh well—I guess the truth will come out once.

My relationship with people has changed a bit. I wouldn't like to tell them much about myself. I feel like I'm something, that I can give something to people, I don't need to brag.

And at the same time, I didn't want to make any enemies. I think Goldenring must have had a similar impression; she, feeling her weakness and powerlessness, wanted no enemies. My unresolved financial situation makes me more lenient towards people.

I saw a beautiful storm today. At 12 noon, it became terribly dark, but it was so dark that lamps were lit in several apartments. I looked out from my third-floor window. The sky, just low above me, was a completely dark gray, leaden. It lasted about 10 minutes. There was a breeze, but I could sense a storm was about to begin, but nature seemed to be in no mood to act. I had to put my writing aside, it was so dark. After a while, drops started falling, and rain began to fall. Slowly, it began to clear up, but it was interesting that the houses across from me had taken on a strange color; I could describe it as "fading." When I looked out the window, the entire street, actually the entire row of houses, had a single gray hue. The rain was pounding down hard, dusting the gray sky with silver dust. The view from my floor was beautiful. I regretted there wasn't a cinematographer to capture it. Now, after half an hour, it had cleared completely, and the rain was falling as hard as before.